wtf did you say

Do you ever have a moment in parenting where you wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” but it also conflicts with another thought at the same exact time of, “Maybe I am doing this right!”

As my 11 year old princess of doom starts to resemble more of a young woman than a little girl in all aspects of her being it makes me a little sad and proud at the same time. Yes, I miss her being an adorable little girl who just lit up a room everywhere she went. I miss the things she mispronounced like “A-do-bo-cado” and a part of me misses the endless freaking tea parties, fairy wings and princess stuff.

I never had any expectations of who I expected her to be when she found herself. I just wanted her to be herself and confidently so. I’ve never tried to influence her and have tried to keep negative comments to myself.

Okay, I may have had some strong opinions about cheerleading vs playing sports and annoying tween shows. She basically ignores any of my sarcastic remarks anyway!

Now conversations about life have a much more mature tone and she likes to talk about things that really make me want to bang my head on a wall. She is also very funny and has zero concept of embarrassment!

I have no idea where she got it from.

We were discussing bad words and what they actually meant. I have no idea how this subject came up and I often regret having total open dialog with my kids! But… it was a conversation worth having and I could NOT believe what she said to me.

Me: Alright, do you know what the F word actually means? It’s a versatile curse word that can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and almost every word in a sentence. But, it … uh… for sure is derived from one thing.

Her: Oh I am pretty sure I know what it means! I’ve also heard you use it in all sorts of different ways! (Thanks kid… I’m not a great Mom sometimes!)

Me: Oh, okay. So you know that the F word also means… uh… sex?

Her: Yeah… I have to tell you something reeeaaally funny about the first time I learned what that meant.

Me: Okay (Oh no… someone end me now… I don’t want to know where this is going)

Her: Well, a friend of mine showed me a video…

Me: uh huh…. (VIDEO?! This isn’t good. End. it. now. Please?)

Her: And in this video there was like a crazy party or something…

Me: Yeah…. (Why did I ever do this to myself? Kids are evil. Kids are bad. NEVER BE A PARENT)

Her: And well… that dragon Spike from My Little Ponies said, “Pinkie Pie is out of control! She f-worded a snail on the lawn!” My friend totally didn’t know what that word meant or what they were talking about but I knew then! It was soooo funny! But, my friend was so scared that the video had a bad word and we knew we shouldn’t watch it!

Me: *blink*

Her: Why would anyone edit videos and make the characters say such funny things… And WHO does THAT to a SNAIL?!

Me: *blink* (I think I died a little)

Her: *laughing hysterically* Mommy, are you breathing?! hahaha you look like you are going to puke!

After the shock wore off I laughed so hard I cried. We discussed inappropriate things online and I accepted it was an honest mistake and I am glad she finally told me about it. She was relieved that I wasn’t angry.

And then I wanted to drown away that horrible moment in a pool of vodka.

Our babies will become teens and they will eventually be adults. We cannot shelter them from what is out there but we can try to keep open communication so they know to come to us with facts. I would rather my daughter discuss these things with me than try to figure them out with her peers who may be as clueless as her.

It’s difficult to cut those strings of childhood but I can take comfort in the fact that she has taken those strings and created a stable safety net for herself.

That safety net is supported by me and she knows that.

I love her honesty. I really do. I love that her and I can have these giggly moments about taboo things. I hope that makes her less likely to rebel using that kind of language around peers or at school. I love that I see a lot of my sense of humor evolving in her and getting a glimpse of the funny woman she is going to be is kind of awesome. I love that she is becoming a really rad teenager and she is completely herself around me.

What I don’t love is the fact that she saw a snail on the lawn on the way to school and she HAD to bring that up and laugh my my reaction! “Mommy, loooook … it’s a SNAIL on the LAWN!”

Okay, I love that she does things like that but I never expected to have this kind of amazing open and honest relationship that I have with her… and I hope it stays. Always.

Side note: Every single one of my friends who reads this is going to have a sudden moment of panic wondering, “WAS IT MY KID WHO SHOWED HER THIS VIDEO?! OMG!”

WTF Did You Say!?

And the fact I find that hilarious proves I’m the greatest friend ever. Love you guys!

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WTF Did You Say?! About Mooners…

by Leila on January 24, 2013

My 5 year old son yelled “MOONERS!” as he was exiting the bathroom.

Thankfully, his pants were actually up but he was shaking his butt at me in a threatening way.

My jaw dropped and I said, “If you moon me… well, you don’t even want me to finish that threat!”

I didn’t actually have some kind of threat. When I haven’t thought of anything I like to stall in a way that makes it seem bad. I like to keep them guessing.

It didn’t help that all the kids were laughing at me.

He dropped his pants slightly and my daughter yelled “EW! I see crack!!”

Did I mention we were trying to have dinner?!

He yelled “FEAST YOUR EYES!”… Dropped his pants and ran from me laughing hysterically.

Running with your pants down while in a panic doesn’t get you far is something he learned tonight. That was payback enough.

BTW – to whoever taught my son “mooners” – I’m going to get even one day.

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WTF Did You Say?! On Kissing and Nipples

by Leila on October 22, 2012

My son is fascinated with his nipples and talks about them often. When he is stressed out or concentrating you will find him “tuning in to Tokyo”. The other day he very seriously announced…

“Aw, man! I can’t kiss my own nipples anymore! When I was four I could but five is a year of no nipple kissing…”

Sometimes… I have no words.

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My son woke up with a bounce this morning… which is typical. He is that obnoxious happy person in the morning. I was getting out of the shower when he practically kicked the bathroom door open and announced…

“I am starting SCHOOL TODAAAAAY!!!” and he did a little happy dance.

For a moment I wondered if I messed up?! No, we had another two weeks.

“My love, school doesn’t start for another two weeks.”

He crossed his arms, turned his back on me and said, “Aw… shiiiiiiii…….”

He saw my eyes practically pop out of my head in the bathroom mirror….

“….ttttttt…….aaake. Mushrooms? Shiitake mushrooms? Uh. Do we still have some Mommy? You know… for… sukiyaki?”

Yeah. That is what he meant to say.

I’m going to have to apologize ahead of time to his kinder teacher.

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When you can’t walk around much you realize how quickly your children will turn on you.

Yes, my kids are sweet and wonderful helpers. They usually don’t give me much grief and I am thankful for that.

However, they can be typical humans who try to get away with whatever they can. Especially when it comes to cleaning. This is always a battle.

If they take something out they should have to put it back. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’m not a freaking maid! They knew I had to stay off my foot as much as possible so I was leaving a lot up to them. Well, they didn’t clean the playroom, told me they did and thought they would get away with it.

It looked like Toys R Us exploded in the room. Which is typically how a playroom should look but it was worse than usual. It was like twenty children who drank nothing but coffee and ate a mountain of sugar had gone crazy in there.

I asked the kids to stop getting ready for bed. Asked them to drag pillows in to the playroom and I laid on the floor, propped my foot up with pillows and ice packs and told them to get to work.

You would have thought I was torturing them with unnatural sounds coming from them. The tears were over the top. A few minutes ago they were arguing that they weren’t tired and now suddenly they were exhausted. My ten year old daughter even laid on the floor dramatically like she was falling asleep.

They both started to flat out ignore me. This set me off.

I raised my scary Mommy voice a bit and gave them the crazy eye, “Pick. Up. NOW!”

My five year old son yelled, “I’m not afraid of you, WOMAN!”

(insert dropped jaws and blank blinking expressions)

I have never seen that boy so quick to tell me he loves me, call me pretty, say I am the scariest person ever and run like hell.

My daughter and I were so shocked we just laughed. After my son realized I wasn’t going to do… whatever he assumed I would after that outburst he came back, apologized and we spent the rest of the time laughing and picking up. Saying “I’m not scared of you, woman!” is said a lot now because it IS funny.

Yes, the kids not cleaning up makes me angry. The fact they try to pull dishonest acts like these seems like a slap in the face. But, they are kids. We all make mistakes, push limits and it’s a choice to stay angry or move past it. Staying angry isn’t fun for anyone and resentment will just grow.

Live, laugh and ninja kick… the room ended up cleaner than it’s been in weeks, we had fun and my son assured me many times that I am very scary. It all worked out.

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Post image for WTF Did You Say: On Insects, Cursing and Peeing Your Pants

I continually try to encourage my kids to overcome their fears in a healthy way. I don’t push them hard but I will cheer them on, praise them and help them through it. One of my personal worst fears is not being able to obtain happiness because of some kind of fear…

Except when it comes to feet and alligators. Nothing good comes of overcoming those fears.

Insects have always freaked my son out but fascinated him at the same time. He used to run screaming from the room as a toddler if he saw a dust bunny! If he saw a clump of fuzz he would panic thinking it was a bug. Now at 4 years old he can play with slugs but still freaks out over any flying bugs. He tries though. He really does.

My Son: Mommy, there is a fly behind the blinds! I’m going to get that fly in the window… I’m going to smash it!

Me: Okay, buddy! I’m so proud of you for even trying but I’ll help…

My Son: HOLY SHIT IT’S A BEE! AAAH!!! I’m sorry I just said shit but I just pee’d my pants!

And he did… all over the living room on the way to the bathroom.

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WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

by Leila on February 22, 2012

Post image for WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

You see those funny pictures kids draw all over the internet and I admit sometimes I think they are fake.

I really couldn’t have come up with this. I could not believe what I was looking at when my daughter showed me the cover of her report.

I mean really? REALLY?!

Are you seeing what I’m seeing??

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My son is four years old and asks the most random of questions. He also obsesses over numbers and spelling as of late. Earlier he was working on a Christmas Card for me and he asked “Mommy how do you spell… “Mommy, I love you so much. You are pretty. You are the best.”

I asked him if he really wanted me to spell it all out. He insisted. As I started to he put his hands up and said,

“WHOA! Wait a minute! That is WAY too FREAKING long!”

… my jaw dropped at freaking.

He then added…

” You get a heart instead… maybe two. Maybe.”

 

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WTF Did You Say!? Highfiving the Booty

by Leila on October 17, 2011

I was picking up toys when my 4 year old walked up behind me and smacked my butt really hard! I told him it was not okay to smack my booty and he said…

 

“Mommy, I wasn’t smacking your booty. I was highfiving the booty!! It is doing a GREAT job!”

 

I need a drink.

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WTF Did You Say: On Hotdogs and Weenies

by Leila on September 22, 2011

This happened this morning. I wasn’t completely awake… but I know what I heard my son say…

“Auntie Marquie calls hotdogs weenies! My friends call their penises weenies… Can we call a hotdog a penis? Wait… ARE HOTDOGS REALLY PENISES!? They look like it!!!”

Before I could recover, process that or even say anything he added…

“Penis Hotdogs are reeeeaaaally TASTY!”

I shouldn’t have laughed. I’m so doomed. I’m so glad he isn’t going to preschool today so I can give him a day to get this out of his system.

 

We will be eating chicken today.

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