my kids are weird

WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

by Leila on February 22, 2012

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You see those funny pictures kids draw all over the internet and I admit sometimes I think they are fake.

I really couldn’t have come up with this. I could not believe what I was looking at when my daughter showed me the cover of her report.

I mean really? REALLY?!

Are you seeing what I’m seeing??

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WTF Did You Say!? Highfiving the Booty

by Leila on October 17, 2011

I was picking up toys when my 4 year old walked up behind me and smacked my butt really hard! I told him it was not okay to smack my booty and he said…

 

“Mommy, I wasn’t smacking your booty. I was highfiving the booty!! It is doing a GREAT job!”

 

I need a drink.

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WTF Did You Say: On Hotdogs and Weenies

by Leila on September 22, 2011

This happened this morning. I wasn’t completely awake… but I know what I heard my son say…

“Auntie Marquie calls hotdogs weenies! My friends call their penises weenies… Can we call a hotdog a penis? Wait… ARE HOTDOGS REALLY PENISES!? They look like it!!!”

Before I could recover, process that or even say anything he added…

“Penis Hotdogs are reeeeaaaally TASTY!”

I shouldn’t have laughed. I’m so doomed. I’m so glad he isn’t going to preschool today so I can give him a day to get this out of his system.

 

We will be eating chicken today.

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WTF Did You Say!? – On Fishing and Baiting

by Leila on September 14, 2011

My son was pretending to fish, while laying in bed. While he was putting imaginary bait his pretend hook he said:

“Oh yeah fishies! I’m the master-baiter!”

 

Of course when he heard me burst out laughing in the other room he started asking me, “What is funny Mommy? Why is master-baiter and fishing funny?” I’m screwed. I need to learn self control.

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My dear sweet 4 year old son: Mommy how do you spell cat?

Me: C-A-T (we are practicing spelling and word recognition)

Him: Something – A – aaaand.. ummm whats that other letter?

Me: Huh? It’s C-A-T. Please repeat.

Him: I can’t. I can only say A. I can’t say the other ones.

Me: What other letters can’t you say? (I know what you are doing, dammit!)

Him: C and T

Me: You just said them!

Him: Um…. no I didn’t…. (He said with a big ole grin)

Me: You can’t tell me you can’t say something and say it at the same time. That is lying!

Him: No, that’s me being difficult.

…….. He then ran out of the room laughing saying, “I looooove yooooou Mommy!”

It’s not that damn funny to see me lose it. He always antagonizes me and then he laughs at me. He likes to get under my skin as humor. He loves making fun of me. I have NO IDEA where he got this from.

No idea.

He is lucky he is cute.

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Seriously out of all the fucking planets my kid could have picked for her solar system report why did she choose URANUS!? This is a true test of my ability to be a good Mom. I cannot stop my internal death by giggling!!! I haven’t grown out of my potty humor or dirty mind phase. I think it is stuck with me forever!

Here are some things she decided to say to me today…

“Uranus is good.”

“I really like Uranus!”

“Wow Mommy… URANUS IS HUGE”

“No wait Uranus is small.. or sometimes big… or I can’t tell!”

“I wonder what you would find on Uranus?”

“Has anyone been to Uranus?”

“After I am done with this I’m gonna be like the Uranus Queen! I am ALL about Uranus”

(When discussing using telescopes) “Do a lot of people see Uranus?”

“Whooooaaaaa… Uranus is pretty! I thought it would be ugly or boring or something”

I swear a part of me wants to blurt out “DO YOU  KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING OR NOT?! ARE YOU REALLY MESSING WITH ME!? IS THIS PAYBACK FOR CHORES?!!?”

Someone. Send. Help….

I’ll be stuck on Uranus.

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Is it wrong to always joke that the two best tools of parenting are duct tape and chloroform? Well, if you walked in my shoes with my son you wouldn’t be trying to figure out what color duct tape matches his outfit today!

My son says the most random things! He also likes to argue. He also has a very contrarian personality. All of those combined make for a very interesting bedtime routine. Tonight he gave me these excuses not to sleep:

“Mommy, I can’t sleep because its dangerous! Bed bugs YANNO!”

“WAIT! I hear something! I need to save you!”

“Why won’t you let me save you Mommy? Don’t you believe in me?”

“Okay fine but if the monster gets you then don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

“Umm.. Mommy.. is there really a monster!? No really go check please!”

“HEY MOMMY! YOU ARE SO PRETTY AND NICE WHEN YOU DON’T MAKE ME GO TO BED!”

“Okay if I don’t have to go to bed right now then I will give you a kiss!”

“TWO KISSES AND A HUG!”

“Aw……… (said very very softly I almost didn’t hear it) shit… I DIDN’T SAY THAT!!!!!! I AM GOING TO BED NOW PRETTY MOMMY!”

He started to sing “My Mommy.. is so nice.. she likes rice.. nice.. rice.. dice.. so pretty lady.. lady bug… HEY MOMMY! Is there a DUDE bug!?”

“Hello Mr. Pillow. You are my only friend”

“Mommy I’m lonely without your hugs!”

“Mr Pillow.. lets break out of this crazy place! Alright! We are going to go to a super fun place! The bathroom!”

(He started making snoring noises.. then a big yawn noise) “Oh wow Mommy. It is so dark in the morning time! I went to sleep! I DID!”

(He started to sneak out of the bedroom) “AW MAN! Why do you know EVERYTHING!”

“One day you will listen to me when I say I’m NOT tired!”

All it took was a few minutes of silence and he went right to sleep. The problem is figuring out a way to get him to accept a few minutes of silence.

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