I love coffee on an obnoxiously-delicious addictive level. My coffee addiction is so bad, yet comical, that my daughter started making me coffee years ago as a means of self preservation.
She is the smartest one in this house.
I’m also a bit of a jackass and tend to do things to hurt myself, break myself and end up in ridiculous situations.
I had one of those days where my to-do list was too long, I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I was rushing everything. The plan was simple – grab a peppermint mocha with soy and no whip (yes, you can get these year round. You are welcome!) and head into Lowes then to the five other places I needed to go.
I got so far as the Lowes parking lot.
What came next happened within a few seconds, but it seemed like I was stuck in a slow motion movie scene.
I got my coffee, parked and took a picture of the deliciousness in a venti sized cup to share on Instagram. Because… that is what everyone does right? I grabbed my Tardis purse (it’s bigger on the inside) and my coffee and started to hop out of my truck when all hell broke loose.
My purse got stuck on something.
That caused me to slip and my arm, which was connected to my coffee, jerk back.
My venti peppermint mocha was falling to it’s DOOM!
I did what any sane person does in that situation…
I screamed loudly and tried to catch that coffee in midair so fast that I ended up karate chopping it.
By the way – At that point I was still halfway outside of my truck, in a leaning back Matrix-like position with my big huge Tardis purse wrapped up on something.
The coffee hit the radio and a volcanic coffee explosion happened. It. Got. EVERYWHERE. I had coffee on my face, down my back and my hair smelled of peppermint mocha for days despite the amount of times I washed it. Coffee was on the ceiling, behind the steering wheel, ALL over the windshield and just puddles of it.
You never realize how much is in a venti sized coffee cup until it’s all over your everything.
I was yelling the whole time. I do that when I get nervous and I do it without thinking. After the yelling I laughed and I laughed so hard I snorted. I was halfway outside my truck, covered in coffee, practically strangled by my purse and laughing hysterically.
The Lowes parking lot was filled with men loading up their work trucks. I heard a faint male’s voice ask “Ma’am… do you need help?” and I yelled back “Move along boys! I got this!”
At that point I did what anyone would do. I took pictures and shared them on Instagram and Facebook. I texted my sweetie who was telling his co-workers how amazingly graceful and sane I am in these situations.
I had only a few napkins, my soaked hoodie and a used snot tissue in my truck to clean this mess up. The windshield was a giant coffee smear. I could see out of it but not well. My glasses were also foggy with coffee. I drove the one mile up the road to my house with my face over the steering wheel and trying to drive as carefully as I could with my hazards on. An officer pulled up next to me at a stop light, I gave him a quick rundown of my morning and he let me follow him down the road. I think he was contemplating locking me up in a looney bin.
I got home, cleaned up the mess the best I could and literally hosed myself off on the front lawn. After almost an hour of scrubbing, washing and soaking up coffee I was glad to be done.
Until…
Yup, of course I would lock my keys in the truck.
Thankfully, I found the spare.
I’m glad it was my ‘free’ coffee so, techincally, I didn’t commit coffee waste.
So, amuse/comfort me… How many of you have done something similar? 
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