humor

I’ve done the customer service gig in the past and I know how difficult it is. People can be so rude and short with customer service reps. I know call centers are script based and there are a lot of things reps are taught to up sell or read off in different situations. Sometimes it is mandatory that they say certain parts of their script and it is part of their job. It’s an almost mindless job and a very frustrating one on top of it.

I always put on my best business nicey professional attitude and try to avoid being another idiot on the phone when I have to make a call. I joke with them and be as pleasant as possible. My kids like to say that I don’t sound like me when I make those calls. haha

But, sometimes I just can’t help it when someone keeps getting all pushy with me.

We don’t watch a lot of TV. When the TV is on we are finding something on demand, firing up Netflix, browsing what is available via Amazon prime or renting a movie. Now that Dexter is over we don’t watch HBO and Homeland is the only thing I need Showtime for. Realistically I can wait for any shows I really like. All the things I want to watch, besides BBC America, are all basic cable.

Anyway, I’m cheap so why pay for something we don ‘t need? I called to cancel our TV supreme ultimate mega everything package and drop down to basic cable. I had no idea it would be like negotiating world peace.

Me: Hi I want to drop my TV package down to the basic one because we don’t need it and live stream everything or order movies…

Customer Service Lady: Oh you won’t be happy… you will lose all these channels (spends 5 minutes telling me all the channels we will lose while I tell her I watch none of them) You will also lose Lifetime. (Why the crap would she mention Lifetime

Me: I don’t watch Lifetime… All I need is BBC which that plan has so I am good with it. I did my research.

Her: But, this package will not include lifetime which is the most popular channel for women…

Me: I don’t watch lifetime… (That should have been enough to say the first time…)

Her: Ok, ma’am. You will also lose the cooking channels… and again Lifetime has…

Me: I don’t watch the cooking channels and again I do NOT watch Lifetime… 

Her: (Goes on another rant about all the things I will be losing and how she doesn’t recommend dropping down to basic) This weekend there will be blahblahblah marathon and suchandsuch movie on Lifetime which you will miss out on if…

Me: Seriously, I don’t watch Lifetime. I don’t even know any of those Lifetime movies. I don’t watch girly feel good shows or whatever is on that channel and I make fun of my friends who stay up all night watching that stuff crying over it. I’m more into horror flicks with a lot of blood, murder, body parts and guts.. and (just to really be obnoxious) midget porn. Do you have channels for that?

Her: ….

Me: Hello, are you still there?

Her: Ma’am I am going to go ahead and drop you down to the basic package right away. 

I won.

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Do you ever have a moment in parenting where you wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” but it also conflicts with another thought at the same exact time of, “Maybe I am doing this right!”

As my 11 year old princess of doom starts to resemble more of a young woman than a little girl in all aspects of her being it makes me a little sad and proud at the same time. Yes, I miss her being an adorable little girl who just lit up a room everywhere she went. I miss the things she mispronounced like “A-do-bo-cado” and a part of me misses the endless freaking tea parties, fairy wings and princess stuff.

I never had any expectations of who I expected her to be when she found herself. I just wanted her to be herself and confidently so. I’ve never tried to influence her and have tried to keep negative comments to myself.

Okay, I may have had some strong opinions about cheerleading vs playing sports and annoying tween shows. She basically ignores any of my sarcastic remarks anyway!

Now conversations about life have a much more mature tone and she likes to talk about things that really make me want to bang my head on a wall. She is also very funny and has zero concept of embarrassment!

I have no idea where she got it from.

We were discussing bad words and what they actually meant. I have no idea how this subject came up and I often regret having total open dialog with my kids! But… it was a conversation worth having and I could NOT believe what she said to me.

Me: Alright, do you know what the F word actually means? It’s a versatile curse word that can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and almost every word in a sentence. But, it … uh… for sure is derived from one thing.

Her: Oh I am pretty sure I know what it means! I’ve also heard you use it in all sorts of different ways! (Thanks kid… I’m not a great Mom sometimes!)

Me: Oh, okay. So you know that the F word also means… uh… sex?

Her: Yeah… I have to tell you something reeeaaally funny about the first time I learned what that meant.

Me: Okay (Oh no… someone end me now… I don’t want to know where this is going)

Her: Well, a friend of mine showed me a video…

Me: uh huh…. (VIDEO?! This isn’t good. End. it. now. Please?)

Her: And in this video there was like a crazy party or something…

Me: Yeah…. (Why did I ever do this to myself? Kids are evil. Kids are bad. NEVER BE A PARENT)

Her: And well… that dragon Spike from My Little Ponies said, “Pinkie Pie is out of control! She f-worded a snail on the lawn!” My friend totally didn’t know what that word meant or what they were talking about but I knew then! It was soooo funny! But, my friend was so scared that the video had a bad word and we knew we shouldn’t watch it!

Me: *blink*

Her: Why would anyone edit videos and make the characters say such funny things… And WHO does THAT to a SNAIL?!

Me: *blink* (I think I died a little)

Her: *laughing hysterically* Mommy, are you breathing?! hahaha you look like you are going to puke!

After the shock wore off I laughed so hard I cried. We discussed inappropriate things online and I accepted it was an honest mistake and I am glad she finally told me about it. She was relieved that I wasn’t angry.

And then I wanted to drown away that horrible moment in a pool of vodka.

Our babies will become teens and they will eventually be adults. We cannot shelter them from what is out there but we can try to keep open communication so they know to come to us with facts. I would rather my daughter discuss these things with me than try to figure them out with her peers who may be as clueless as her.

It’s difficult to cut those strings of childhood but I can take comfort in the fact that she has taken those strings and created a stable safety net for herself.

That safety net is supported by me and she knows that.

I love her honesty. I really do. I love that her and I can have these giggly moments about taboo things. I hope that makes her less likely to rebel using that kind of language around peers or at school. I love that I see a lot of my sense of humor evolving in her and getting a glimpse of the funny woman she is going to be is kind of awesome. I love that she is becoming a really rad teenager and she is completely herself around me.

What I don’t love is the fact that she saw a snail on the lawn on the way to school and she HAD to bring that up and laugh my my reaction! “Mommy, loooook … it’s a SNAIL on the LAWN!”

Okay, I love that she does things like that but I never expected to have this kind of amazing open and honest relationship that I have with her… and I hope it stays. Always.

Side note: Every single one of my friends who reads this is going to have a sudden moment of panic wondering, “WAS IT MY KID WHO SHOWED HER THIS VIDEO?! OMG!”

WTF Did You Say!?

And the fact I find that hilarious proves I’m the greatest friend ever. Love you guys!

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First Day of School!

The first day of school is precious, right? The youngest is off to 1st grade, our oldest was already getting lost in High School and the 11 year old princess of doom was ready for 6th grade.

And yes, of course, that is a Tardis lunchbox my son is rockin! 

Last night I wrote about how wonderful it was to start this middle school adventure with things going right.

A part of me hesitated to post it because you know what they say about those “famous last words…”

This morning was lovely. She woke up early, made herself and her little brother breakfast. She was so chipper and excited. We got to the school and met in the auditorium with all the other 6th graders…

And yes other parents were there so I wasn’t the ONLY crazy Mom!

We found her name on the homeroom class list and we sat in the section for that teacher. She found friends she knew and immediately started making new ones. She is very outgoing and social. Not sure where she gets it from! The school has such an upbeat and fun atmosphere. The kids were laughing, cheering and ready to start their day with enthusiasm. I reassured her that all would be well, we agreed on where I would pick her up and she hugged me and gave me a kiss goodbye not caring what her peers thinks. She rocks like that.

I left feeling amazing. I met up with friends for coffee. I went home and worked. We treated me to having the house cleaned. I was just feeling so content, missing the chaos of summer but thankful that the kids were all off to a positive start.

Things Were Going Right… Right?

When I picked my daughter up she had a bounce in her step and a big smile on her face. I asked her how her day was and I did not expect what she told me…

Her: It was awesome! Oh yeah so I didn’t get my classes until like lunchtime, I sat in the office for like EVER and had to stalk the principal. Oh and apparently some boy likes me already. It’s only the first day! The. First. Day!

Me: Wait… what the crap happened??

Her: Okay, so this boy who my friend knows…

Me: Not. That. Please, not that! What do you mean you didn’t have your classes and why are you stalking the principal?!?

Her: I had to stalk him because he couldn’t be found.

Me: *blinks*

Her: By the way your weird bad luck of strange things always happening to you has officially rubbed off on me. I’m doomed. But, it was such a great day!

Basically my daughter got to homeroom and there was no printout of her classes. She had to go to the office to get a copy of them but there was some miscommunication so she ended up in the library with a bunch of kids who did not have classroom assignments. She realized this and had to go back to the office knowing the principal knew who she was. She somehow ended up in a secretaries office for over an hour and still didn’t see the principal. So, she went in the bathroom and as she said “needed to allow herself to cry for a minute, get past it and then take charge!”. She then “stalked” the principal… and by stalking she really just stood by a window and waited until she saw him, ran after him and got her class list. All was well after that.

The amazing thing is how she handled it all. I am so impressed with her.

She. Just. Laughed!

Me: You handled that so brilliantly. I’m very proud of you.

Her: Thank you… but I kind of just handled it by counting every dot on the ceiling until my eyes began to bleed! No, I’m kidding. I was just thinking that at least I wasn’t accidentally poking my eyes like you do for no reason. It could have been so much worse!

Me: Why has this all become about my inability to adjust my glasses without hurting myself?

Her: Doesn’t everything go back to that?

Point taken.

After school the principal called me and even he was confused as to what happened and he felt terrible. I wasn’t mad. She wasn’t mad. We can laugh about it. I joked about it and made it light. I appreciated him taking the time and genuinely caring. It all worked out in the end and that’s what matters.

The biggest slice of awesomeness from it was that I was able to see how my 11 year old handles stressful and confusing situations. When I told her I would have lost my mind and said a lot of inappropriate words she said to me, “That’s why I waited until AFTER school to tell you!”

She said that after it was all done all she could do was laugh and somehow blame me because strange things always happen to me.

Yup, she’s my spawn.

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I love coffee on an obnoxiously-delicious addictive level. My coffee addiction is so bad, yet comical, that my daughter started making me coffee years ago as a means of self preservation. 

She is the smartest one in this house.

I’m also a bit of a jackass and tend to do things to hurt myself, break myself and end up in ridiculous situations.

I had one of those days where my to-do list was too long, I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I was rushing everything. The plan was simple – grab a peppermint mocha with soy and no whip (yes, you can get these year round. You are welcome!) and head into Lowes then to the five other places I needed to go.

I got so far as the Lowes parking lot.

What came next happened within a few seconds, but it seemed like I was stuck in a slow motion movie scene.

I got my coffee, parked and took a picture of the deliciousness in a venti sized cup to share on Instagram. Because… that is what everyone does right? I grabbed my Tardis purse (it’s bigger on the inside) and my coffee and started to hop out of my truck when all hell broke loose.

My purse got stuck on something.

That caused me to slip and my arm, which was connected to my coffee, jerk back.

My venti peppermint mocha was falling to it’s DOOM!

I did what any sane person does in that situation…

I screamed loudly and tried to catch that coffee in midair so fast that I ended up karate chopping it. 

By the way – At that point I was still halfway outside of my truck, in a leaning back Matrix-like position with my big huge Tardis purse wrapped up on something.

The coffee hit the radio and a volcanic coffee explosion happened. It. Got. EVERYWHERE. I had coffee on my face, down my back and my hair smelled of peppermint mocha for days despite the amount of times I washed it. Coffee was on the ceiling, behind the steering wheel, ALL over the windshield and just puddles of it.

Coffee Explosions

You never realize how much is in a venti sized coffee cup until it’s all over your everything.

I was yelling the whole time. I do that when I get nervous and I do it without thinking. After the yelling I laughed and I laughed so hard I snorted. I was halfway outside my truck, covered in coffee, practically strangled by my purse and laughing hysterically.

The Lowes parking lot was filled with men loading up their work trucks. I heard a faint male’s voice ask “Ma’am… do you need help?” and I yelled back “Move along boys! I got this!”

At that point I did what anyone would do. I took pictures and shared them on Instagram and Facebook. I texted my sweetie who was telling his co-workers how amazingly graceful and sane I am in these situations.

Coffee Explosion

I had only a few napkins, my soaked hoodie and a used snot tissue in my truck to clean this mess up. The windshield was a giant coffee smear. I could see out of it but not well. My glasses were also foggy with coffee. I drove the one mile up the road to my house with my face over the steering wheel and trying to drive as carefully as I could with my hazards on. An officer pulled up next to me at a stop light, I gave him a quick rundown of my morning and he let me follow him down the road. I think he was contemplating locking me up in a looney bin. 

I got home, cleaned up the mess the best I could and literally hosed myself off on the front lawn. After almost an hour of scrubbing, washing and soaking up coffee I was glad to be done. 

Until…

Coffee Explosion

Yup, of course I would lock my keys in the truck.

Thankfully, I found the spare.

I’m glad it was my ‘free’ coffee so, techincally, I didn’t commit coffee waste.

So, amuse/comfort me… How many of you have done something similar? :P

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I’ve shared stories and moments about my youngest and his obsession with his gentiles. When you are an adult there is a line between a healthy understanding of one’s body and being a creeper… when you are a kid there is no line. They are just innocently exploring and getting reactions out of people. They have no idea what they are doing but they only know how we react.

And they love pushing buttons. It’s a phase right? It is all a phase. They will eventually stop button pushing and we can have sanity again. Right?! Not likely.

A couple weeks ago I found myself having a conversation I never expected.

“Mommy, The Flash is a superhero… do you know what his super power is?”

“He runs really fast!”

He grinned at me in that way that only means trouble, “Yes, but do you know why he has to run really fast??”

….. I don’t want to know now because I don’t want to know what this child has come up with. Look away, pretend you didn’t hear him. Nothing good is going to come of this I can sense it….

“Um, why does The Flash need to run really fast, sweetie?”

“Mommy, it’s because he is a FLASHER!” And he ran away laughing “FLASH THE FLASHER! HE FLASHES! I figured that out in my mind.”

He went about his business and left the topic alone… thankfully.

For about two hours I was convinced that I didn’t hear what I thought I heard. I also convinced myself in those blissful two minutes that my son did not learn what flashing was and that couldn’t be the logical conclusion he came to.

When he was getting ready for bed he ran through the house naked, flailed his penis in my direction, farted and ran away laughing. “I am Flash! I will Flash you super fast! I LOVE RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE NAKED!”

There are moments in parenting, like instilling philanthropic hearts in children, that I feel – Yes! I am doing this right!

Then my son throws a naked monkey wrench in the whole damn thing and I am left shaking my head, telling him that “naked superhero time is over and get in bed” and wishing I wasn’t out of wine.

Whoever taught my son what flashing is owes me a case of wine. It’s only fair.

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WTF Did You Say?! About Mooners…

by Leila on January 24, 2013

My 5 year old son yelled “MOONERS!” as he was exiting the bathroom.

Thankfully, his pants were actually up but he was shaking his butt at me in a threatening way.

My jaw dropped and I said, “If you moon me… well, you don’t even want me to finish that threat!”

I didn’t actually have some kind of threat. When I haven’t thought of anything I like to stall in a way that makes it seem bad. I like to keep them guessing.

It didn’t help that all the kids were laughing at me.

He dropped his pants slightly and my daughter yelled “EW! I see crack!!”

Did I mention we were trying to have dinner?!

He yelled “FEAST YOUR EYES!”… Dropped his pants and ran from me laughing hysterically.

Running with your pants down while in a panic doesn’t get you far is something he learned tonight. That was payback enough.

BTW – to whoever taught my son “mooners” – I’m going to get even one day.

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WTF Did You Say?! On Kissing and Nipples

by Leila on October 22, 2012

My son is fascinated with his nipples and talks about them often. When he is stressed out or concentrating you will find him “tuning in to Tokyo”. The other day he very seriously announced…

“Aw, man! I can’t kiss my own nipples anymore! When I was four I could but five is a year of no nipple kissing…”

Sometimes… I have no words.

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My son is very determined to know everything before kindergarten is over. That reminds me of myself as I am always kidding around about how my mission in life is to know everything.

I’m almost there as far as my kids know.

Each day my son comes home from school really excited to tell me what he has learned. He was all about numbers yesterday. His enthusiasm was adorable and he was so proud of himself for getting rewarded for knowing how to write one of the numbers.

He also told me that he can write all the numbers. All of them.

He had his index cards and he was demonstrating his skills.

I would say a number and he would write it. He would do a dance in between his accomplishments.

I then asked him to write “One to ten” since he says he can write them all.

This is what he came up with:

Yup. He is an adorable smart ass and I feel for his kindergarten teacher.

 

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My son woke up with a bounce this morning… which is typical. He is that obnoxious happy person in the morning. I was getting out of the shower when he practically kicked the bathroom door open and announced…

“I am starting SCHOOL TODAAAAAY!!!” and he did a little happy dance.

For a moment I wondered if I messed up?! No, we had another two weeks.

“My love, school doesn’t start for another two weeks.”

He crossed his arms, turned his back on me and said, “Aw… shiiiiiiii…….”

He saw my eyes practically pop out of my head in the bathroom mirror….

“….ttttttt…….aaake. Mushrooms? Shiitake mushrooms? Uh. Do we still have some Mommy? You know… for… sukiyaki?”

Yeah. That is what he meant to say.

I’m going to have to apologize ahead of time to his kinder teacher.

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When you can’t walk around much you realize how quickly your children will turn on you.

Yes, my kids are sweet and wonderful helpers. They usually don’t give me much grief and I am thankful for that.

However, they can be typical humans who try to get away with whatever they can. Especially when it comes to cleaning. This is always a battle.

If they take something out they should have to put it back. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’m not a freaking maid! They knew I had to stay off my foot as much as possible so I was leaving a lot up to them. Well, they didn’t clean the playroom, told me they did and thought they would get away with it.

It looked like Toys R Us exploded in the room. Which is typically how a playroom should look but it was worse than usual. It was like twenty children who drank nothing but coffee and ate a mountain of sugar had gone crazy in there.

I asked the kids to stop getting ready for bed. Asked them to drag pillows in to the playroom and I laid on the floor, propped my foot up with pillows and ice packs and told them to get to work.

You would have thought I was torturing them with unnatural sounds coming from them. The tears were over the top. A few minutes ago they were arguing that they weren’t tired and now suddenly they were exhausted. My ten year old daughter even laid on the floor dramatically like she was falling asleep.

They both started to flat out ignore me. This set me off.

I raised my scary Mommy voice a bit and gave them the crazy eye, “Pick. Up. NOW!”

My five year old son yelled, “I’m not afraid of you, WOMAN!”

(insert dropped jaws and blank blinking expressions)

I have never seen that boy so quick to tell me he loves me, call me pretty, say I am the scariest person ever and run like hell.

My daughter and I were so shocked we just laughed. After my son realized I wasn’t going to do… whatever he assumed I would after that outburst he came back, apologized and we spent the rest of the time laughing and picking up. Saying “I’m not scared of you, woman!” is said a lot now because it IS funny.

Yes, the kids not cleaning up makes me angry. The fact they try to pull dishonest acts like these seems like a slap in the face. But, they are kids. We all make mistakes, push limits and it’s a choice to stay angry or move past it. Staying angry isn’t fun for anyone and resentment will just grow.

Live, laugh and ninja kick… the room ended up cleaner than it’s been in weeks, we had fun and my son assured me many times that I am very scary. It all worked out.

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