funny

WTF Did You Say?! About Mooners…

by Leila on January 24, 2013

My 5 year old son yelled “MOONERS!” as he was exiting the bathroom.

Thankfully, his pants were actually up but he was shaking his butt at me in a threatening way.

My jaw dropped and I said, “If you moon me… well, you don’t even want me to finish that threat!”

I didn’t actually have some kind of threat. When I haven’t thought of anything I like to stall in a way that makes it seem bad. I like to keep them guessing.

It didn’t help that all the kids were laughing at me.

He dropped his pants slightly and my daughter yelled “EW! I see crack!!”

Did I mention we were trying to have dinner?!

He yelled “FEAST YOUR EYES!”… Dropped his pants and ran from me laughing hysterically.

Running with your pants down while in a panic doesn’t get you far is something he learned tonight. That was payback enough.

BTW – to whoever taught my son “mooners” – I’m going to get even one day.

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Post image for WTF Did You Say: On Insects, Cursing and Peeing Your Pants

I continually try to encourage my kids to overcome their fears in a healthy way. I don’t push them hard but I will cheer them on, praise them and help them through it. One of my personal worst fears is not being able to obtain happiness because of some kind of fear…

Except when it comes to feet and alligators. Nothing good comes of overcoming those fears.

Insects have always freaked my son out but fascinated him at the same time. He used to run screaming from the room as a toddler if he saw a dust bunny! If he saw a clump of fuzz he would panic thinking it was a bug. Now at 4 years old he can play with slugs but still freaks out over any flying bugs. He tries though. He really does.

My Son: Mommy, there is a fly behind the blinds! I’m going to get that fly in the window… I’m going to smash it!

Me: Okay, buddy! I’m so proud of you for even trying but I’ll help…

My Son: HOLY SHIT IT’S A BEE! AAAH!!! I’m sorry I just said shit but I just pee’d my pants!

And he did… all over the living room on the way to the bathroom.

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Most moms want to capture their pregnancy with beautiful pictures of themselves all big and glowy and don’t think of funny pregnancy photos. The semi nudes, hands on the belly, goddessy like pictures that just capture that beauty of feeling like a whale but looking voluptuous are gorgeous and sometimes freaky.

I did those pictures but I also decided I needed to do something a little more me.

When I was pregnant with my now 4 year old son I came up with the idea of the Landlady from Kung Fu Hustle meeting some crazy trashy character. It’s amazing what can be accomplished with some bad makeup, curlers, a rolled up piece of paper and boiling water! Yeah, I had a little too much fun with these funny pregnancy photos.

So, enjoy… and yes the picture of me on the toilet proves that I have no shame when it comes to making people laugh.

 

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My dear sweet 4 year old son: Mommy how do you spell cat?

Me: C-A-T (we are practicing spelling and word recognition)

Him: Something – A – aaaand.. ummm whats that other letter?

Me: Huh? It’s C-A-T. Please repeat.

Him: I can’t. I can only say A. I can’t say the other ones.

Me: What other letters can’t you say? (I know what you are doing, dammit!)

Him: C and T

Me: You just said them!

Him: Um…. no I didn’t…. (He said with a big ole grin)

Me: You can’t tell me you can’t say something and say it at the same time. That is lying!

Him: No, that’s me being difficult.

…….. He then ran out of the room laughing saying, “I looooove yooooou Mommy!”

It’s not that damn funny to see me lose it. He always antagonizes me and then he laughs at me. He likes to get under my skin as humor. He loves making fun of me. I have NO IDEA where he got this from.

No idea.

He is lucky he is cute.

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Though some of my guy friends may argue this fact because they feel I have a bigger pair than most dudes: I do not have a penis. So, I wasn’t sure how to teach my son to potty train standing up as I am a visual learner and process things more effectively if I can see it. I can’t do that with the lack of equipment!

Could I have used a funnel to demonstrate? No. That would be weird. Funny, but weird.

I had these terrible visions of him just learning to pee and it getting all over the walls, ceilings and floor! It just seemed logical that my son pees sitting down. It worked out great!! No pee on the seat and no worries about him leaving the toilet seat up.

When we started camping I really wanted him to be able to take advantage of being male and pee outside. It saves a trip to the bathroom and helps water the plans right? Well, that didn’t go quite as planned since he still wanted to squat to pee. Eventually he started to pee standing up and then he became like an overly enthusiastic puppy marking his territory. I thought I created a pee monster!! When we would return home from camping he would just drop his pants in the middle of our yard and water the grass.

Our neighbors love us.

Then one morning he was doing his usual pee routine while half asleep and I heard a loud crash in the bathroom. I heard him screaming and nervous laughter. I ran in there and he was sitting on the floor, holding his penis and he yelled “MOMMY!!! The toilet tried to eat my PENIS!!!!!” thankfully it had missed him but it was enough to scare him. He went on and on about how the toilet is a penis eating monster. Does anyone remember the scene in Look Who’s Talking Too when the little boy is toilet training and the it turns into a toilet monster screaming “Give me your PEEPEE!”. That is what was running through my head.

That was also one of the most difficult moments in parenthood I have ever had.

I was terrified because he really could have gotten hurt!

On the other hand I was laughing hysterically inside because he was screaming about a penis eating toilet monster.

I maintained and showed my concern and support. We talked about it. Processed it and he was good. I am blogging out it to get my internal laughter struggle out!

But, now? He sits down again but he said he will pee standing up outside because the toilet won’t try to eat his penis since it is stuck in the bathroom.

Oh, the joys of parenthood.

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The past week has been a busy one. I’m becoming mildly obsessed with iMovie and photo editing… mostly to mock my family.

That makes me the best person ever!

I used to photoshop pictures of my brother’s face into ridiculous pictures and post them all over the internet. I would tag him in them and of course he would remove those tags. Jerk. I would make them my main profile picture on Facebook and add all his friends instead. Everyone loved it. Speaking of which I haven’t done that in awhile!

I’m the best sister ever.

I decided to make it fair and Photoshop myself into it. Makes me think back to my early teen years. I pretty much looked just like that minus the bulge!

My family is full of a bunch of big kids who like to laugh. We have family parties and have epic nerf battles. We have wii parties. I’m very lucky. So last week I put up this video of my Dad playing Just Dance on the Wii.

I’m also the best daughter ever.

This weeks Humpday Haiku is all about… well, whatever the hell you want it to be about! Please join in, you can grab my Humpday Haiku button on my button page, drop me a link in the comments or comment haiku below!

Let’s do this.

On Family Love

I’m a great sister
I make my bro so happy!
Ha! That was all lies.

Picking on your sis
when you are kids is not good.
Internet payback

On Puking Sick Kids

Oh sweet son of mine
You puked all over Mommy
Then said “I love you”

Kids are germ magnets
Gnarly. Gross. Pukey. Boogers.
Lucky I love them

Yes, children are gifts.
They also damage my calm.
No gift receipt. Right?

 

So the lesson learned this week is simple. Don’t tease your little sister or one day she may have a blog with followers and she will continue to mock you all because you cheated at the game Alligator when we were kids.

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A picture is worth a thousand words right? He really is going to love me later for these little gems.

My son is sick with a stomach flu. He has been sleeping on my chest so I’ve been reading, writing, tweeting and messing around with iMovie more than usual.

He also spewed all over me and told me, “Mommy. You are the best. I don’t want to puke on anyone but you.”

Thanks kid!

The little sick monkey also discovered that he loves watching clips of himself so we have been going through all the clips since he was an infant. He will announce how cute or funny he is. Narcissist much!? It really makes me appreciate the little moments I catch and also makes me wish I was better about recording their crazy antics.

We found this clip that was from a year ago. He loves telling jokes. I love ninjas. So this was pretty much a perfect combination. I’m also toying around with iMovie so this is the result.

 

 

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