funny kid quotes

Seriously out of all the fucking planets my kid could have picked for her solar system report why did she choose URANUS!? This is a true test of my ability to be a good Mom. I cannot stop my internal death by giggling!!! I haven’t grown out of my potty humor or dirty mind phase. I think it is stuck with me forever!

Here are some things she decided to say to me today…

“Uranus is good.”

“I really like Uranus!”

“Wow Mommy… URANUS IS HUGE”

“No wait Uranus is small.. or sometimes big… or I can’t tell!”

“I wonder what you would find on Uranus?”

“Has anyone been to Uranus?”

“After I am done with this I’m gonna be like the Uranus Queen! I am ALL about Uranus”

(When discussing using telescopes) “Do a lot of people see Uranus?”

“Whooooaaaaa… Uranus is pretty! I thought it would be ugly or boring or something”

I swear a part of me wants to blurt out “DO YOU  KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING OR NOT?! ARE YOU REALLY MESSING WITH ME!? IS THIS PAYBACK FOR CHORES?!!?”

Someone. Send. Help….

I’ll be stuck on Uranus.

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Is it wrong to always joke that the two best tools of parenting are duct tape and chloroform? Well, if you walked in my shoes with my son you wouldn’t be trying to figure out what color duct tape matches his outfit today!

My son says the most random things! He also likes to argue. He also has a very contrarian personality. All of those combined make for a very interesting bedtime routine. Tonight he gave me these excuses not to sleep:

“Mommy, I can’t sleep because its dangerous! Bed bugs YANNO!”

“WAIT! I hear something! I need to save you!”

“Why won’t you let me save you Mommy? Don’t you believe in me?”

“Okay fine but if the monster gets you then don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

“Umm.. Mommy.. is there really a monster!? No really go check please!”

“HEY MOMMY! YOU ARE SO PRETTY AND NICE WHEN YOU DON’T MAKE ME GO TO BED!”

“Okay if I don’t have to go to bed right now then I will give you a kiss!”

“TWO KISSES AND A HUG!”

“Aw……… (said very very softly I almost didn’t hear it) shit… I DIDN’T SAY THAT!!!!!! I AM GOING TO BED NOW PRETTY MOMMY!”

He started to sing “My Mommy.. is so nice.. she likes rice.. nice.. rice.. dice.. so pretty lady.. lady bug… HEY MOMMY! Is there a DUDE bug!?”

“Hello Mr. Pillow. You are my only friend”

“Mommy I’m lonely without your hugs!”

“Mr Pillow.. lets break out of this crazy place! Alright! We are going to go to a super fun place! The bathroom!”

(He started making snoring noises.. then a big yawn noise) “Oh wow Mommy. It is so dark in the morning time! I went to sleep! I DID!”

(He started to sneak out of the bedroom) “AW MAN! Why do you know EVERYTHING!”

“One day you will listen to me when I say I’m NOT tired!”

All it took was a few minutes of silence and he went right to sleep. The problem is figuring out a way to get him to accept a few minutes of silence.

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