Friendships Should Not Require Lube

by Leila on July 9, 2011

My friend Charla said to me, “Relationships are the most important things in our lives!” and while I initially snickered at her adorable enthusiasm I knew how right she really is.

A relationship is defined as: The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

By that definition it can definitely be said that I have a really great relationship with my battery operated friends.

When you really think about it all relationships in your life are the things that will comfort, guide, protect, motivate and potentially annoy the freaking crap out of you more than anything else. No matter what you do your life is surrounded by connections.

Connecting is easy but figuring out what a true friendship is will be the harder question and answer.

I’m not talking about surface “How do you do” bullshit two people say cordially in passing… I mean the real deal. The besties for life. The ultimate bromance. The man-wife and chick-hubby! The type of friendship that you know your homie has your back regardless if you talk daily, once a month, twice a year or pick up years later as if no time has passed.

Why? Because the connection is solid, easy and it doesn’t require any forcing.

It just fits right and no lube required.

Sure, no friendship is perfect and there will always be bumps in the road but no one should have to constantly make exceptions, walk on eggshells or after hanging out with someone want to poke their eyes out with spoons.

Just like a romantic relationship you cannot possibly know how to be cool with someone unless you know what you need out of that friendship. Everyone is different so therefore everyone has different expectation and those change all the time! All you can do is know you, your faults, your assets and stick to your expectations. Do you find yourself frustrated with a friendship? Is this something the other person is doing or do you expect something different than the friend can give? Is someone expecting someone else to change? It can be as simple as accepting that the other person has a different point of view or that two people just don’t mix well.

Of course you will find shitheads, selfish asshats and two-faced gossipy douchebags. It sucks when someone brings drama into your life. So, what if a friendship turns sour and becomes a frenemy? You need to flush it!

Removing a toxic friend from your life is like finally taking a big giant poop that you held on to for too long. It was uncomfortable holding on to it but you couldn’t find the right time or place to let it go. After the release you look in the porcelain bowl of the friendship and realize that it is just a bunch of shit you didn’t want to begin with.

Ultimately you are in control over the people in your lives so you control the friendships you keep. If you let shit get tracked in then get a broom, mop, steamvac and remove that shit from your home! Then invite the febreeze like friends over that help mask the smell and forget about that shit with some wine and laughs. Sweep out the negativity and welcome the positives.

I’m very thankful for all the amazing people in our lives. My kids and I are very fortunate to have so many loved ones that are there for us when we need them and include us in their worlds. I have friends that I have known for over a decade and new friends that are like extended family. I’d like to think that these awesome connections have been made because of the honesty and understanding of everyone’s needs (and bribery of food and endless supply of booze helps too!) Even though life has a habit of getting away from us sometimes a few drinks, lots of laughs and a good time is all a friendship needs.

Cheers to you all no matter if you are a new visitor here or a lifelong friend. Keep the positives going and release the poop! Live, laugh, don’t speak whinese and ninja kick!

About Leila DontSpeakWhinese

Leila, aka The Ninja, is the advocate for all things not whining. Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She is the Mom of a big blended family of five awesome kids. They ninja kick through life together. Oh and she is a total jackass.

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Cookie's Mom July 9, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I really enjoyed this post! I could think of a few people that fit the category of friends that don’t require lube! Must call them….


Don't Speak Whinese July 9, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Maybe its time for a flush or two! 


Anonymous July 9, 2011 at 9:28 pm

You know what else about friends? They totally call it like they see it, like you just did. They know true friends will stand by them whether they agree or disagree (or whether vibrators and big honking poops in the same post make one squirm a little).

Our conversations are generally only 140 characters at a time, but it’s clear that your besties will always know where you stand, and that to me is what sets up good honest relationships.


Don't Speak Whinese July 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Thank you! Genuinely. The measure of someones worth is not how much they make or what shit they own.. it is about their character and how honest their word is. Calling it like you see it while extremely valuable it comes at a great cost at times. Honesty isn’t always well received but in the long run it weeds things out.

I also really like to make people squirmy… it amuses me.


Sarah Rice July 9, 2011 at 11:22 pm

I loved the part where you “invite the Febreeze-like friends over”! That was freakin’ hilarious!


Don't Speak Whinese July 13, 2011 at 4:06 am

Some of my friends ARE like febreeze!! They smell good and mask the shit! hahaha


Charla Avery Brummel July 10, 2011 at 12:35 am

Frickin’ hilarious but oh so true. So happy to call you a friend!


Don't Speak Whinese July 13, 2011 at 4:07 am

Thanks woman and same to you.. my favorite compact bottle of awesome sauce! BTW, I “borrowed” a mini Tabasco sauce from a restaurant because it reminded me of you and I totally forgot to show you it! 


Mama Wants This July 10, 2011 at 1:11 am

I love how you equate dumping toxic friends to taking a big dump. SO TRUE.

The friends I have now? They are the ones I WANT. Thank god for old age and the wisdom that comes with it.


Don't Speak Whinese July 13, 2011 at 4:08 am

I agree… it is one of those things that we say… If I knew then what I know now!


Carol July 10, 2011 at 1:44 am

This is so true. Sometimes it’s family that you need to get rid of but your real friends, they make life so much sweeter!


Don't Speak Whinese July 13, 2011 at 4:09 am

Friends should be like the dessert you really want and not the healthy side dish you feel obligated to eat. 😉


Optimistic Mom July 13, 2011 at 3:16 am

I love this post! The dumping toxic friends analogy is priceless.
SN: I finally figured out how to leave a comment here as you can tell. Sorry about the twitter DM. I gotta stop reading blogs and drinking at the same time. Lol 😉


Don't Speak Whinese July 13, 2011 at 4:10 am

 If I stopped reading blogs and drinking at the same time then I would never get around to reading blogs 😉 haha Glad you figured it out!!


CoffeeLovinMom July 13, 2011 at 4:10 am

LOVE THIS!  I have flushed many over the years!


Jenni Conner July 28, 2011 at 7:26 am

With the mention of lube and battery operated friends I thought to myself, “Oh, so THAT’S what she means about auto-cocking.” And then I realized you were probably talking about other battery operated friends.. possibly. 😉

Anyway! This is a really great post. And so so true. Especially the bits about TRUE friendships and toxic ones. 


Kelly Paull July 30, 2011 at 5:15 am

New reader here…totally almost spit all over the screen with the shit analogy of friendship.  Man, I carried a big toxic shit of a friend around for 8 years, wish I had read this post back then. I about needed an enema to get rid of her. 

thanks for the laugh tonight!  *Adding you to the reader now*


Arcelia June 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm

You are hilarious! That’s all I can say because my tummy is sore from laughing (uh that’s not a whine) lol
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Suebob June 25, 2012 at 6:13 am

I almost lost a friend recently because of things that had gone unsaid…there were a whole bunch of assumptions that weren’t true. But it was worth it to me, so I basically demanded that we sit down and talk through it all. It was tough and there were a lot of tears, but they were GOOD tears in a way, cleansing tears. Ever since we have been closer than ever, because now we know we can tell each other the absolute truth without fear. Some people I wouldn’t bother doing that with, because they don’t bring as much to my life as she does.
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Mary Widdicks February 27, 2014 at 8:09 pm

“Then invite the febreeze like friends over that help mask the smell and forget about that shit with some wine and laughs” I love this post so much! I completely agree that sometimes you just need to do a little “spring cleaning” and friends who are just gumming up the works need to go. To make room for new, cool ones that you meet online 😉
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