My Son Pees Sitting Down aka The Toilet Monster

by Leila on July 24, 2011

Though some of my guy friends may argue this fact because they feel I have a bigger pair than most dudes: I do not have a penis. So, I wasn’t sure how to teach my son to potty train standing up as I am a visual learner and process things more effectively if I can see it. I can’t do that with the lack of equipment!

Could I have used a funnel to demonstrate? No. That would be weird. Funny, but weird.

I had these terrible visions of him just learning to pee and it getting all over the walls, ceilings and floor! It just seemed logical that my son pees sitting down. It worked out great!! No pee on the seat and no worries about him leaving the toilet seat up.

When we started camping I really wanted him to be able to take advantage of being male and pee outside. It saves a trip to the bathroom and helps water the plans right? Well, that didn’t go quite as planned since he still wanted to squat to pee. Eventually he started to pee standing up and then he became like an overly enthusiastic puppy marking his territory. I thought I created a pee monster!! When we would return home from camping he would just drop his pants in the middle of our yard and water the grass.

Our neighbors love us.

Then one morning he was doing his usual pee routine while half asleep and I heard a loud crash in the bathroom. I heard him screaming and nervous laughter. I ran in there and he was sitting on the floor, holding his penis and he yelled “MOMMY!!! The toilet tried to eat my PENIS!!!!!” thankfully it had missed him but it was enough to scare him. He went on and on about how the toilet is a penis eating monster. Does anyone remember the scene in Look Who’s Talking Too when the little boy is toilet training and the it turns into a toilet monster screaming “Give me your PEEPEE!”. That is what was running through my head.

That was also one of the most difficult moments in parenthood I have ever had.

I was terrified because he really could have gotten hurt!

On the other hand I was laughing hysterically inside because he was screaming about a penis eating toilet monster.

I maintained and showed my concern and support. We talked about it. Processed it and he was good. I am blogging out it to get my internal laughter struggle out!

But, now? He sits down again but he said he will pee standing up outside because the toilet won’t try to eat his penis since it is stuck in the bathroom.

Oh, the joys of parenthood.

About Leila DontSpeakWhinese

Leila, aka The Ninja, is the advocate for all things not whining. Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She is the Mom of a big blended family of five awesome kids. They ninja kick through life together. Oh and she is a total jackass.