My Son Pees Sitting Down aka The Toilet Monster

by Leila on July 24, 2011

Though some of my guy friends may argue this fact because they feel I have a bigger pair than most dudes: I do not have a penis. So, I wasn’t sure how to teach my son to potty train standing up as I am a visual learner and process things more effectively if I can see it. I can’t do that with the lack of equipment!

Could I have used a funnel to demonstrate? No. That would be weird. Funny, but weird.

I had these terrible visions of him just learning to pee and it getting all over the walls, ceilings and floor! It just seemed logical that my son pees sitting down. It worked out great!! No pee on the seat and no worries about him leaving the toilet seat up.

When we started camping I really wanted him to be able to take advantage of being male and pee outside. It saves a trip to the bathroom and helps water the plans right? Well, that didn’t go quite as planned since he still wanted to squat to pee. Eventually he started to pee standing up and then he became like an overly enthusiastic puppy marking his territory. I thought I created a pee monster!! When we would return home from camping he would just drop his pants in the middle of our yard and water the grass.

Our neighbors love us.

Then one morning he was doing his usual pee routine while half asleep and I heard a loud crash in the bathroom. I heard him screaming and nervous laughter. I ran in there and he was sitting on the floor, holding his penis and he yelled “MOMMY!!! The toilet tried to eat my PENIS!!!!!” thankfully it had missed him but it was enough to scare him. He went on and on about how the toilet is a penis eating monster. Does anyone remember the scene in Look Who’s Talking Too when the little boy is toilet training and the it turns into a toilet monster screaming “Give me your PEEPEE!”. That is what was running through my head.

That was also one of the most difficult moments in parenthood I have ever had.

I was terrified because he really could have gotten hurt!

On the other hand I was laughing hysterically inside because he was screaming about a penis eating toilet monster.

I maintained and showed my concern and support. We talked about it. Processed it and he was good. I am blogging out it to get my internal laughter struggle out!

But, now? He sits down again but he said he will pee standing up outside because the toilet won’t try to eat his penis since it is stuck in the bathroom.

Oh, the joys of parenthood.

About Leila DontSpeakWhinese

Leila, aka The Ninja, is the advocate for all things not whining. Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She is the Mom of a big blended family of five awesome kids. They ninja kick through life together. Oh and she is a total jackass.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Jenna July 24, 2011 at 10:21 pm

awwwww poor kid… but I have to say hun that I totally agree w/ your internal laughing-fit that were having w/ him. You could try to put fruit-loops or something in the toilet that he could quickly ‘kill’ [peeing on] b4 the toilet monster get’s ’em [like a competitive race or something]


Don't Speak Whinese July 26, 2011 at 9:49 pm

That is a great idea!!! The one time I tried fruit loops in the toilet he asked me if he could eat them after he already peed on them.. I knew he was kidding but it grossed me out.


Carri July 25, 2011 at 5:16 am

Guess who has two thumbs and is going to start potty training a cranky someone next week? This bitch right here. But now? I’m thinking it might be a good time if I get to tell stories like this one.


Don't Speak Whinese July 26, 2011 at 9:47 pm

I’m telling you dude.. have him pee sitting down!! It makes life so much easier!! lol Good luck!


Fluteitup July 26, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Oh man, LITERALLY laughing outloud over here, you poor thing!  I hear that the whole penis slam happens quite often though.


BloggerFather July 27, 2011 at 5:05 am

My 3yo almost peed standing up last week, but then I made the mistake of screaming hysterically when I realized he was about to pee while the seat was down… I just hate cleaning, see…


Optimistic Mom July 27, 2011 at 4:57 pm

That really is scary……but funny! I remember those days trying to teach my son. I really thought about standing up to give him an example. Thank goodness DH intervened. lol


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: