My daughter is known for her selflessness, big heart and doing thoughtful things to make others happy.
She is known for being a responsible and mature kid for her age.
She takes on more responsibility than most people because she is all too aware of her life threatening allergies and the chronic pain she endures.
She is nice. She is sweet. She has been challenging me lately in more ways than one.
Everyone says its the age, hormones or just stuff that kids do. I thought it was her medication or something else going on her body and autoimmune issues… or it is just her.
She has become lazy, spiteful and mean. Mostly just towards me… but that is to be expected. I’m a single Mom so I get the be the only bad guy.
All I know is that lately I can’t help but wonder… What the fuck happened to my little girl?
There is a book fair at the school right now and it always causes a lot of negativity. Every year there is always gossip going around about some kids stealing. They steal from the book fair, other kids or hell even their parents.
The acts themselves have always made me sad because I know these kids feel pressure not wanting to be the only kid that didn’t get to buy something.
It is hard being a kid. I get that.
Honestly, it’s always been the parent gossip that has pissed me off. The upturned noses and snide remarks that their kids would never do something like that. The judgment that comes with parenting is sickening.
Tonight I found myself in disbelieve because I never thought my kid would do something like that… not because I am a self righteous snob, but, because she truly doesn’t do things like… stealing.
Oh sure the occasional cookie, brownie or junk food is swiped. Candy is sometimes consumed. Those moments pissed me off because of the sneakiness but also because of her health issues. Food can be painful as well as end her life.
Those things seemed like a big deal at the time. Until tonight.
Never thought I’d find over $80 in dollars and change in my kids backpack so she could buy stuff at the book fair. She took it from her brothers piggy bank, emptied hers, took out cash we have in a large bin that is donation money for Japan… and even out of my wallet.
That is not something my kid would do. I didn’t even recognize her.
Never thought she would be one of those kids… and I never thought that I’d ever feel like this much of a fucking failure. I never thought I’d feel like I screwed up the last 9 years somehow to be faced with this bad decision she made.
I don’t feel like a great Mom. I don’t feel like I have a resolution. I don’t feel like I can forgive her.
I know kids mess up. I know I am not perfect and neither is she. I know she is just nine years old. I know mistakes will be made and I know there are a lot of reasons why she would make these decisions. I know there are a lot of things I could have done differently or a million reasons why this is my fault.
I especially know that this moment sucks. I’m hurting, crying and I want to punch a wall. This destroyed me and how I view my relationship with my daughter at this moment in time. I’m physically ill from crying and feeling angry as well as sad.
I’m sad because this all comes down to her not wanting to be the kid who couldn’t have something again.
I also realized that all of this made me feel more single, alone and on my own in this than anything before. Usually that empowers me… but right now… I envy those that have someone they can rely on to get through these little hurdles together.
Tomorrow it will hurt less and the anger will have subsided. It will be a moment that passes and hopefully something she can learn from. And me as well. Maybe I will be the Mom that is gossiped about for having the kid who steals… I don’t give a shit what people do or think they know… what I do know is that this isn’t my daughter’s usual behavior…
and we will get through this…
… just to prepare for our next hurdle.
About Leila DontSpeakWhinese
Leila, aka The Ninja, is the advocate for all things not whining. Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She is the Mom of a big blended family of five awesome kids. They ninja kick through life together. Oh and she is a total jackass.