Baby Bump or Constipation?
After I shared that our blended family was expanding this June I was flooded with questions. I know some people don’t know what they are saying sometimes… but I can’t help think of obnoxious answers to some simple (as well as some totally offensive questions).
I may or may not have actually said these responses. Okay, so who am I kidding. I did. Thankfully most people I know get my humor or just smile, nod and walk away.
“Are you going to find out the gender?”
Um, hell yes! I cannot wait. That would be torture. I like to plan! I do not like surprises. Right now is the time I am waiting for the big reveal… why wait 20 weeks longer?
“What are you hoping for?”
A unicorn… or Batman. Maybe I could birth a Time Lord.
“Are you nervous having that many kids? 5 kids! Eeek!”
You are all seeing this wrong. Our five kiddos ages will range from newborn to 14 years old. Do you know what that means? A whole lot of helpers!
“Where is the baby going to sleep?”
Initially, I prefer to co-sleep. Then I will have a pack and play and move the baby into the room of the kids that are pissing me off the most. This serves as a bonding opportunity for the kids, punishment and hopefully birth control.
I may or may not actually consider this after the baby arrives – hehehe
“Do you remember what to do with a newborn? It has been 6 years…”
I forgot everything about raising a new human. I’m going to equip myself with duct tape and chloroform and hope for the best.
“Are your kids happy about another sibling coming into the picture?”
Was anyone happy about you coming into the picture?
“You don’t look pregnant… are you sure?”
Hmm… maybe you are right. Maybe I’m not pregnant and everything I am experiencing is really bad constipation!
“Why would you want to start over?”
I enjoy not sleeping. I also enjoy becoming a milk factory where my boobs become rock hard torpedos and I feel like my nipples are going to fall off. Diapers are rad. Pushing my body to the limit and creating a cavern of chaos in my low region is amazing. Another 18 years of parenting torture is better than a luxurious vacation to Fiji.
I also want to scar my teen and tweens into fearing having babies.
About Leila DontSpeakWhinese
Leila, aka The Ninja, is the advocate for all things not whining. Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She is the Mom of a big blended family of four awesome kids. They ninja kick through life together. Oh and she is a total jackass.