Why allowing others to define you is crap and why you need to let go

by Leila on August 18, 2012

People have a hard time letting go of negative perspectives of others – why are we so often defined by our mistakes, flaws and bad choices rather than our assets?

When I was a kid I was a pain in the ass.

Shocking, right?

I affectionately refer to my childhood days as me being a feral kid who was left to her own devices. It was true for the most part.

When I was a teenager I was basically that rebellious kid you hope your children don’t become. I was defiant, tough as nails, opinionated, obnoxiously competitive, dressed in ways to make myself unattractive/ward people off, did what I wanted because I was of the mind I could do anything… I pushed all the limits when trying to fight and embrace life at the same time. I made people mad, often, with how I was. I’ve been in more dangerous situations than should be possible. I just wanted to be me, live my life and find my own path.

Did I think it was cool? No, I thought I was pretty much an idiot but didn’t care. I didn’t hold myself in a high regard.

I was constantly told that everything I did was wrong. I acted wrong. I thought wrong. I was just plain wrong.

That is how I was always defined. Wrong.

The more anyone tried to hold me down the more I fought. I fought hard. I fought some stupid freaking battles too.

I used to get angry at the fact that people still see me as that same crazy child. I thought they were being narrow minded asshairs who couldn’t widen their vision.

Then I realized – I‘m still that person and… I kind of like that person now. That person that I was is still who I am to my core. I’m sure you can ask anyone and they will define me the same way as back then… just in a different way. A different perspective. A different filter. But, I’m still the same. Am I still wrong? Was I wrong then?

Shit if I know… because who can really say what is wrong? It’s all a matter of how you view it.

I can say one thing…

It’s the actions that have changed.

It’s how I utilize those aspects of my personality now compared to what I chose in the past that makes my life different.

Now? The quirks in my personality are seen as empowering, motivating and often endearing. (which makes all of you crazy!)

Oh I know some people think I’m batshit and don’t care too much for me. I’m fine with that. (insert obscene gesture here with a wicked smile)

I can’t control anyone’s opinion of me or how they choose to see me. I can argue that how they observe me is off kilter or inaccurate because they aren’t seeing past their own bullshit. I can be pissy about it. I can loathe it. I can whine and get angry.

Or I can accept that I know me and I don’t need to worry about all the other noise out there.

Ultimately? I’m unabashedly just being myself. You get no wizard behind the curtain. There isn’t a mask. No illusion. You get no shocking revelations. You get exactly what I put out there – flaws and all! Yes, it makes me vulnerable to an extent and people often use it against me. Yes, people judge, make assumptions and when my flaws are so obvious they are gonna focus on those. I’d much rather put out there exactly as I am and allow people to choose to take it or leave it.

I’m not perfect then or now. I don’t try to be and I’ll never pretend to be. I won’t apologize for the kid that I was (maybe to my Dad… maybe) and I sure as hell won’t apologize for who I am now.

My point in all this? Learn to let go. Release those assumptions or desire to be seen the right way to others. Find the positives in yourself and don’t let anyone take that from you. Embrace yourself and forgive yourself for the stupid shit you have done. It’s over. It’s also over and done with for the other people out there too so cut them some damn slack.

Just simply be you and allow others to simply be them.

Be defined by you and what you choose to do not by what others want to see you as. They will always see you the way they want to. Nothing will ever change that.

If they don’t want to take the time to see past their own judgments then you don’t need them.

Each action you make now counts. Make the most of it.

Let’s keep on ninja kicking.

About Leila DontSpeakWhinese

Leila, aka The Ninja, is the advocate for all things not whining. Parenting is fun when everyone stops b*tching! She is the Mom of a big blended family of five awesome kids. They ninja kick through life together. Oh and she is a total jackass.