WTF Did You Say?!

Do you ever have a moment in parenting where you wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” but it also conflicts with another thought at the same exact time of, “Maybe I am doing this right!”

As my 11 year old princess of doom starts to resemble more of a young woman than a little girl in all aspects of her being it makes me a little sad and proud at the same time. Yes, I miss her being an adorable little girl who just lit up a room everywhere she went. I miss the things she mispronounced like “A-do-bo-cado” and a part of me misses the endless freaking tea parties, fairy wings and princess stuff.

I never had any expectations of who I expected her to be when she found herself. I just wanted her to be herself and confidently so. I’ve never tried to influence her and have tried to keep negative comments to myself.

Okay, I may have had some strong opinions about cheerleading vs playing sports and annoying tween shows. She basically ignores any of my sarcastic remarks anyway!

Now conversations about life have a much more mature tone and she likes to talk about things that really make me want to bang my head on a wall. She is also very funny and has zero concept of embarrassment!

I have no idea where she got it from.

We were discussing bad words and what they actually meant. I have no idea how this subject came up and I often regret having total open dialog with my kids! But… it was a conversation worth having and I could NOT believe what she said to me.

Me: Alright, do you know what the F word actually means? It’s a versatile curse word that can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and almost every word in a sentence. But, it … uh… for sure is derived from one thing.

Her: Oh I am pretty sure I know what it means! I’ve also heard you use it in all sorts of different ways! (Thanks kid… I’m not a great Mom sometimes!)

Me: Oh, okay. So you know that the F word also means… uh… sex?

Her: Yeah… I have to tell you something reeeaaally funny about the first time I learned what that meant.

Me: Okay (Oh no… someone end me now… I don’t want to know where this is going)

Her: Well, a friend of mine showed me a video…

Me: uh huh…. (VIDEO?! This isn’t good. End. it. now. Please?)

Her: And in this video there was like a crazy party or something…

Me: Yeah…. (Why did I ever do this to myself? Kids are evil. Kids are bad. NEVER BE A PARENT)

Her: And well… that dragon Spike from My Little Ponies said, “Pinkie Pie is out of control! She f-worded a snail on the lawn!” My friend totally didn’t know what that word meant or what they were talking about but I knew then! It was soooo funny! But, my friend was so scared that the video had a bad word and we knew we shouldn’t watch it!

Me: *blink*

Her: Why would anyone edit videos and make the characters say such funny things… And WHO does THAT to a SNAIL?!

Me: *blink* (I think I died a little)

Her: *laughing hysterically* Mommy, are you breathing?! hahaha you look like you are going to puke!

After the shock wore off I laughed so hard I cried. We discussed inappropriate things online and I accepted it was an honest mistake and I am glad she finally told me about it. She was relieved that I wasn’t angry.

And then I wanted to drown away that horrible moment in a pool of vodka.

Our babies will become teens and they will eventually be adults. We cannot shelter them from what is out there but we can try to keep open communication so they know to come to us with facts. I would rather my daughter discuss these things with me than try to figure them out with her peers who may be as clueless as her.

It’s difficult to cut those strings of childhood but I can take comfort in the fact that she has taken those strings and created a stable safety net for herself.

That safety net is supported by me and she knows that.

I love her honesty. I really do. I love that her and I can have these giggly moments about taboo things. I hope that makes her less likely to rebel using that kind of language around peers or at school. I love that I see a lot of my sense of humor evolving in her and getting a glimpse of the funny woman she is going to be is kind of awesome. I love that she is becoming a really rad teenager and she is completely herself around me.

What I don’t love is the fact that she saw a snail on the lawn on the way to school and she HAD to bring that up and laugh my my reaction! “Mommy, loooook … it’s a SNAIL on the LAWN!”

Okay, I love that she does things like that but I never expected to have this kind of amazing open and honest relationship that I have with her… and I hope it stays. Always.

Side note: Every single one of my friends who reads this is going to have a sudden moment of panic wondering, “WAS IT MY KID WHO SHOWED HER THIS VIDEO?! OMG!”

WTF Did You Say!?

And the fact I find that hilarious proves I’m the greatest friend ever. Love you guys!

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When I say, “I have no filter!” someone usually replies sarcastically with, “You!? REALLY?!”

This seems to be a wonderful trait my eleven year old daughter has mimicked. As she gets older I see more of my wit, sarcasm and dialog oozing out of every fiber of her being.

And it scares me.

Do you remember when your kids were younger and they started to repeat things you said? Do you remember how shitty it sounds coming out of their mouths and you try to convince yourself that you sound nothing like that.

This is worse.

My princess of doom likes to push the limits and is a very open kid. She loves to talk about anything and everything. Puberty has become a big topic lately. She has known all about periods and procreation for years and nothing embarrasses that kid!

A few weeks back my amazing man and I were hanging with my cousins after I hosted a BBQ. It was one of those fun days that seem to last forever and your sides hurt from too much food and laughter. We are a house of jokesters and love to make fun of each other…

That is the healthy way to show love, right? Nothing says I love you like let me make fun of you until you die a little inside and plot revenge.

I don’t mind talking about periods or puberty with the kids. My sweetie on the other hand cringes thinking about our princesses growing up and he is in total denial. If I say the word period he goes a little pale… it’s fun. Apparently, my daughter picked up on this.

Princess of Doom: Ooooo we shouldn’t talk about that thing that is going to happen to me soon! (she said with a gleam in her eye)

Me: … What the crap are you talking about? (Yes, I said it like that. It was a long day.)

Her: You know… that thing that will make you all cringe!

Me: (Finally caught on) Ooooo…. I don’t know… he’s not going to like it.

Him: (Took the bait…) What are you guys keeping from me now?!

Me: You don’t want to know.

Her: Yes you do!

Him: (hook, line and sinker) Yes, I do!

Her: My P-E-R-I-O-D!

Him: (Visibly died a little inside)

My cousins and I all started laughing.

Her: Yeah, I’m going to need pads soon when I start bleeding there! You are going to have to buy them!

We all continued to laugh as he squirmed in his seat and made pleading panicking noises…

Her: And then… I’m going to POUR IT ALL OVER YOU!

*blink*

(The stunned silence went on for like 5 seconds and in that moment it seemed like time stood still. The visuals slapped us all and jaws were on the floor. I was both mortified AND proud. I’m obviously not the best parent.)

Him: (His reaction can only be described by comparing it to a drunken ape, who was hit in the head multiple times, while sucking down laughing gas and having something uncomfortable shoved up his rectum as he was gasping for oxygen.)

It was hysterical!

When the shock wore off we all laughed until it hurt. I explained that she took the joke TOO FAR…

But, it was still hilarious.

Photo Credit: Frli

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I’ve shared stories and moments about my youngest and his obsession with his gentiles. When you are an adult there is a line between a healthy understanding of one’s body and being a creeper… when you are a kid there is no line. They are just innocently exploring and getting reactions out of people. They have no idea what they are doing but they only know how we react.

And they love pushing buttons. It’s a phase right? It is all a phase. They will eventually stop button pushing and we can have sanity again. Right?! Not likely.

A couple weeks ago I found myself having a conversation I never expected.

“Mommy, The Flash is a superhero… do you know what his super power is?”

“He runs really fast!”

He grinned at me in that way that only means trouble, “Yes, but do you know why he has to run really fast??”

….. I don’t want to know now because I don’t want to know what this child has come up with. Look away, pretend you didn’t hear him. Nothing good is going to come of this I can sense it….

“Um, why does The Flash need to run really fast, sweetie?”

“Mommy, it’s because he is a FLASHER!” And he ran away laughing “FLASH THE FLASHER! HE FLASHES! I figured that out in my mind.”

He went about his business and left the topic alone… thankfully.

For about two hours I was convinced that I didn’t hear what I thought I heard. I also convinced myself in those blissful two minutes that my son did not learn what flashing was and that couldn’t be the logical conclusion he came to.

When he was getting ready for bed he ran through the house naked, flailed his penis in my direction, farted and ran away laughing. “I am Flash! I will Flash you super fast! I LOVE RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE NAKED!”

There are moments in parenting, like instilling philanthropic hearts in children, that I feel – Yes! I am doing this right!

Then my son throws a naked monkey wrench in the whole damn thing and I am left shaking my head, telling him that “naked superhero time is over and get in bed” and wishing I wasn’t out of wine.

Whoever taught my son what flashing is owes me a case of wine. It’s only fair.

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WTF Did You Say?! About Mooners…

by Leila on January 24, 2013

My 5 year old son yelled “MOONERS!” as he was exiting the bathroom.

Thankfully, his pants were actually up but he was shaking his butt at me in a threatening way.

My jaw dropped and I said, “If you moon me… well, you don’t even want me to finish that threat!”

I didn’t actually have some kind of threat. When I haven’t thought of anything I like to stall in a way that makes it seem bad. I like to keep them guessing.

It didn’t help that all the kids were laughing at me.

He dropped his pants slightly and my daughter yelled “EW! I see crack!!”

Did I mention we were trying to have dinner?!

He yelled “FEAST YOUR EYES!”… Dropped his pants and ran from me laughing hysterically.

Running with your pants down while in a panic doesn’t get you far is something he learned tonight. That was payback enough.

BTW – to whoever taught my son “mooners” – I’m going to get even one day.

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WTF Did You Say?! About uneven body parts…

by Leila on November 28, 2012

My 5 year old son came up to me with a very concerned look on his face and said, “Mommy… one of my buttcheeks is bigger than the other.”

I asked how he knew this.

He said he saw it in his shadow.

I tried to explain depth perception and he argued that I was wrong. He ran into the bathroom, pulled down his pants and bent over in front of the mirror. He came back and whispered…

“Okay Mommy. You were right about my butt cheeks. It WAS the shadow and they are even in the mirror. But, my testicles are TOTALLY uneven in the mirror!”

He zoomed away so fast he didn’t even hear me laugh.

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WTF Did You Say?! On Kissing and Nipples

by Leila on October 22, 2012

My son is fascinated with his nipples and talks about them often. When he is stressed out or concentrating you will find him “tuning in to Tokyo”. The other day he very seriously announced…

“Aw, man! I can’t kiss my own nipples anymore! When I was four I could but five is a year of no nipple kissing…”

Sometimes… I have no words.

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My son woke up with a bounce this morning… which is typical. He is that obnoxious happy person in the morning. I was getting out of the shower when he practically kicked the bathroom door open and announced…

“I am starting SCHOOL TODAAAAAY!!!” and he did a little happy dance.

For a moment I wondered if I messed up?! No, we had another two weeks.

“My love, school doesn’t start for another two weeks.”

He crossed his arms, turned his back on me and said, “Aw… shiiiiiiii…….”

He saw my eyes practically pop out of my head in the bathroom mirror….

“….ttttttt…….aaake. Mushrooms? Shiitake mushrooms? Uh. Do we still have some Mommy? You know… for… sukiyaki?”

Yeah. That is what he meant to say.

I’m going to have to apologize ahead of time to his kinder teacher.

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Post image for WTF Did You Say: On Insects, Cursing and Peeing Your Pants

I continually try to encourage my kids to overcome their fears in a healthy way. I don’t push them hard but I will cheer them on, praise them and help them through it. One of my personal worst fears is not being able to obtain happiness because of some kind of fear…

Except when it comes to feet and alligators. Nothing good comes of overcoming those fears.

Insects have always freaked my son out but fascinated him at the same time. He used to run screaming from the room as a toddler if he saw a dust bunny! If he saw a clump of fuzz he would panic thinking it was a bug. Now at 4 years old he can play with slugs but still freaks out over any flying bugs. He tries though. He really does.

My Son: Mommy, there is a fly behind the blinds! I’m going to get that fly in the window… I’m going to smash it!

Me: Okay, buddy! I’m so proud of you for even trying but I’ll help…

My Son: HOLY SHIT IT’S A BEE! AAAH!!! I’m sorry I just said shit but I just pee’d my pants!

And he did… all over the living room on the way to the bathroom.

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WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

by Leila on February 22, 2012

Post image for WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

You see those funny pictures kids draw all over the internet and I admit sometimes I think they are fake.

I really couldn’t have come up with this. I could not believe what I was looking at when my daughter showed me the cover of her report.

I mean really? REALLY?!

Are you seeing what I’m seeing??

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Post image for WTF Did You Say: Knock Knock Jokes and T-Ball Equipment

My son is really excited for his first T-Ball practice. When he gets excited he turns into a hyperactive monkey lunatic.

It can be really cute but sometimes he just starts to blurt out nonsense. He realized if he taps on his cup (which is a shopping story in itself) that it will make a knocking noise. First I had to keep telling him to stop tapping on it because it was making me nuts. Repetitive noises irk me. Then he started to uh.. pelvic thrust in to things to test how much his penis did NOT hurt with his cup on. I had to redirect that.

Then he tapped on his cup twice, “Knock knock…”

Uh…

He tapped twice again, “Mommy.. *knock* *knock*?!”

………….. Reluctantly, “Who’s there?”

“PENIS!”

Okay STOP IT!

I really hope this doesn’t continue at practice.

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