WTF Did You Say?!

WTF Did You Say?! Tweens and Cursing

by Leila on October 15, 2014

Sometimes tweens curse... and it's funny when it's on accident Sometimes tweens curse… and it’s funny when it’s on accident

I used to say that I wanted run away or go into a medically induced coma when my kids were tweens and teens… I’m a realistic and wonderful Mom like that. The dawn of hormones was something I feared especially knowing what kind of lunatic I was at that age.

Thankfully, my twelve year old daughter has pretty much been awesome with what I like to refer to as the occasional “damaging of calm meltdowns of doom for no damn reason”. I really enjoy this age. She isn’t a typical girly girl. She wants little to no drama. She is funny, weird and outgoing. But, she still has a little bit of innocence that I adore.

So, we have these funny moments in dialog that I find hysterical. I’m thankful for the communication that my daughter and I have because she tells me everything – even the stuff that kids talk about at her school that most parents would never want to know. She tells me how some kinds curse all the time and every other word is an F-bomb but the worst she says is “crap”. Tweens are a bunch of fricken peacocks trying to show off and figure themselves out. It’s cute. It’s normal. It could be worse.

I’ve always told her that there is a time and a place for cursing and just understand appropriateness with it – though, some would argue that curse words should never escape your mouths, I am NOT one of those fucking people. In really angry losing-my-mind moments I’ve had to explain to her what some curse words mean and that what flew out of my mouth doesn’t even make sense.

Her – Did you know Richard is the abbreviation for… Dick?

Me – Uh, you mean dick is short for Richard…

Her – Well, yeah. So, anyway… all the boys named Richard at my school are mean, yanno, like dicks…

Me – Whoa whoa whoa!!! You used that in the context of the curse word!

Her – (appearing very nervous)- Uh… no I didn’t!

Me – Yes you did!!! Like they are being mean like DICKS!! Wait… did you know that’s a curse word??

Her – Oh gosh!! NO!!!

Me – Yeah, it really is. How did you not know that?!?! I hope you aren’t like “dick, dick, dickdickdickdick…” at school!!!

Her – (blushes)

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Disney Family Pic

Over the summer we took a little family vacation to Disneyland and stayed the night at Paradise Pier Hotel. After a long day of awesomeness at the park we were all exhausted. My seven year old son was really restless, sore and upset. He’s always had a hard time falling asleep when he needs to and when he is over exhausted.

Now… before I continue I just want to say that I’m not a perfect Mom and don’t pretend to be. I often say the wrong thing at the wrong time and if you have been in the same room with me that neither of those things would surprise you. I have learned to laugh at it after a lot of apologizing. Okay, some apologizing… sometimes. I don’t like to say sorry. Another flaw.

 

Thankfully my kids laugh along with me and accept my quirks.

 

As we settled in that night I could hear my son sighing, “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“I’m just really reeeeeeally tired, Mommy… My legs hurt a lot. I’m so sore from all the walking…”

And I replied after yawning, “Well sweetie, why don’t you… just… shut your… mouth…

 

The room went silent. Wait, what did I just freaking say?

 

(I swear I did NOT mean to say shut your mouth! I meant shut your eyes but the wrong thing popped out)

My husband bursted out laughing and almost woke the baby. He made fun of me. He still makes fun of me. I tried to state my case that I meant shut your EYES but he was relentless. Our son started laughing. The kids giggled in their beds. Everyone kept saying things like “I love you, sweetie. Now shut your mouth!”

We laughed a lot.

The kids now tell me they love me and I’m the best Mommy ever while following it up with “So shut your mouth!”

Kids are awesome. I’m never going to live this one down.

 

Thanks for stopping by, everyone.

I love you all. Now, shut your mouths.

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WTF Did You Say?! About Boobie Pillows

by Leila on May 4, 2014

WTF Did You Say?!

One night, my son said to me …

“I love snuggling with you, Mommy. Your heartbeat makes me happy and I like to listen to it. Its the best music. And your chest is soft and snugly like a fluffy pillow… Made of… boobies. Are there boobie pillows??? Those would be the best ever! Can I ask santa for boobie pillows!?”

And I almost died laughing.

Kids are funny.

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Do you ever have a moment in parenting where you wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” but it also conflicts with another thought at the same exact time of, “Maybe I am doing this right!”

As my 11 year old princess of doom starts to resemble more of a young woman than a little girl in all aspects of her being it makes me a little sad and proud at the same time. Yes, I miss her being an adorable little girl who just lit up a room everywhere she went. I miss the things she mispronounced like “A-do-bo-cado” and a part of me misses the endless freaking tea parties, fairy wings and princess stuff.

I never had any expectations of who I expected her to be when she found herself. I just wanted her to be herself and confidently so. I’ve never tried to influence her and have tried to keep negative comments to myself.

Okay, I may have had some strong opinions about cheerleading vs playing sports and annoying tween shows. She basically ignores any of my sarcastic remarks anyway!

Now conversations about life have a much more mature tone and she likes to talk about things that really make me want to bang my head on a wall. She is also very funny and has zero concept of embarrassment!

I have no idea where she got it from.

We were discussing bad words and what they actually meant. I have no idea how this subject came up and I often regret having total open dialog with my kids! But… it was a conversation worth having and I could NOT believe what she said to me.

Me: Alright, do you know what the F word actually means? It’s a versatile curse word that can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and almost every word in a sentence. But, it … uh… for sure is derived from one thing.

Her: Oh I am pretty sure I know what it means! I’ve also heard you use it in all sorts of different ways! (Thanks kid… I’m not a great Mom sometimes!)

Me: Oh, okay. So you know that the F word also means… uh… sex?

Her: Yeah… I have to tell you something reeeaaally funny about the first time I learned what that meant.

Me: Okay (Oh no… someone end me now… I don’t want to know where this is going)

Her: Well, a friend of mine showed me a video…

Me: uh huh…. (VIDEO?! This isn’t good. End. it. now. Please?)

Her: And in this video there was like a crazy party or something…

Me: Yeah…. (Why did I ever do this to myself? Kids are evil. Kids are bad. NEVER BE A PARENT)

Her: And well… that dragon Spike from My Little Ponies said, “Pinkie Pie is out of control! She f-worded a snail on the lawn!” My friend totally didn’t know what that word meant or what they were talking about but I knew then! It was soooo funny! But, my friend was so scared that the video had a bad word and we knew we shouldn’t watch it!

Me: *blink*

Her: Why would anyone edit videos and make the characters say such funny things… And WHO does THAT to a SNAIL?!

Me: *blink* (I think I died a little)

Her: *laughing hysterically* Mommy, are you breathing?! hahaha you look like you are going to puke!

After the shock wore off I laughed so hard I cried. We discussed inappropriate things online and I accepted it was an honest mistake and I am glad she finally told me about it. She was relieved that I wasn’t angry.

And then I wanted to drown away that horrible moment in a pool of vodka.

Our babies will become teens and they will eventually be adults. We cannot shelter them from what is out there but we can try to keep open communication so they know to come to us with facts. I would rather my daughter discuss these things with me than try to figure them out with her peers who may be as clueless as her.

It’s difficult to cut those strings of childhood but I can take comfort in the fact that she has taken those strings and created a stable safety net for herself.

That safety net is supported by me and she knows that.

I love her honesty. I really do. I love that her and I can have these giggly moments about taboo things. I hope that makes her less likely to rebel using that kind of language around peers or at school. I love that I see a lot of my sense of humor evolving in her and getting a glimpse of the funny woman she is going to be is kind of awesome. I love that she is becoming a really rad teenager and she is completely herself around me.

What I don’t love is the fact that she saw a snail on the lawn on the way to school and she HAD to bring that up and laugh my my reaction! “Mommy, loooook … it’s a SNAIL on the LAWN!”

Okay, I love that she does things like that but I never expected to have this kind of amazing open and honest relationship that I have with her… and I hope it stays. Always.

Side note: Every single one of my friends who reads this is going to have a sudden moment of panic wondering, “WAS IT MY KID WHO SHOWED HER THIS VIDEO?! OMG!”

WTF Did You Say!?

And the fact I find that hilarious proves I’m the greatest friend ever. Love you guys!

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When I say, “I have no filter!” someone usually replies sarcastically with, “You!? REALLY?!”

This seems to be a wonderful trait my eleven year old daughter has mimicked. As she gets older I see more of my wit, sarcasm and dialog oozing out of every fiber of her being.

And it scares me.

Do you remember when your kids were younger and they started to repeat things you said? Do you remember how shitty it sounds coming out of their mouths and you try to convince yourself that you sound nothing like that.

This is worse.

My princess of doom likes to push the limits and is a very open kid. She loves to talk about anything and everything. Puberty has become a big topic lately. She has known all about periods and procreation for years and nothing embarrasses that kid!

A few weeks back my amazing man and I were hanging with my cousins after I hosted a BBQ. It was one of those fun days that seem to last forever and your sides hurt from too much food and laughter. We are a house of jokesters and love to make fun of each other…

That is the healthy way to show love, right? Nothing says I love you like let me make fun of you until you die a little inside and plot revenge.

I don’t mind talking about periods or puberty with the kids. My sweetie on the other hand cringes thinking about our princesses growing up and he is in total denial. If I say the word period he goes a little pale… it’s fun. Apparently, my daughter picked up on this.

Princess of Doom: Ooooo we shouldn’t talk about that thing that is going to happen to me soon! (she said with a gleam in her eye)

Me: … What the crap are you talking about? (Yes, I said it like that. It was a long day.)

Her: You know… that thing that will make you all cringe!

Me: (Finally caught on) Ooooo…. I don’t know… he’s not going to like it.

Him: (Took the bait…) What are you guys keeping from me now?!

Me: You don’t want to know.

Her: Yes you do!

Him: (hook, line and sinker) Yes, I do!

Her: My P-E-R-I-O-D!

Him: (Visibly died a little inside)

My cousins and I all started laughing.

Her: Yeah, I’m going to need pads soon when I start bleeding there! You are going to have to buy them!

We all continued to laugh as he squirmed in his seat and made pleading panicking noises…

Her: And then… I’m going to POUR IT ALL OVER YOU!

*blink*

(The stunned silence went on for like 5 seconds and in that moment it seemed like time stood still. The visuals slapped us all and jaws were on the floor. I was both mortified AND proud. I’m obviously not the best parent.)

Him: (His reaction can only be described by comparing it to a drunken ape, who was hit in the head multiple times, while sucking down laughing gas and having something uncomfortable shoved up his rectum as he was gasping for oxygen.)

It was hysterical!

When the shock wore off we all laughed until it hurt. I explained that she took the joke TOO FAR…

But, it was still hilarious.

Photo Credit: Frli

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I’ve shared stories and moments about my youngest and his obsession with his gentiles. When you are an adult there is a line between a healthy understanding of one’s body and being a creeper… when you are a kid there is no line. They are just innocently exploring and getting reactions out of people. They have no idea what they are doing but they only know how we react.

And they love pushing buttons. It’s a phase right? It is all a phase. They will eventually stop button pushing and we can have sanity again. Right?! Not likely.

A couple weeks ago I found myself having a conversation I never expected.

“Mommy, The Flash is a superhero… do you know what his super power is?”

“He runs really fast!”

He grinned at me in that way that only means trouble, “Yes, but do you know why he has to run really fast??”

….. I don’t want to know now because I don’t want to know what this child has come up with. Look away, pretend you didn’t hear him. Nothing good is going to come of this I can sense it….

“Um, why does The Flash need to run really fast, sweetie?”

“Mommy, it’s because he is a FLASHER!” And he ran away laughing “FLASH THE FLASHER! HE FLASHES! I figured that out in my mind.”

He went about his business and left the topic alone… thankfully.

For about two hours I was convinced that I didn’t hear what I thought I heard. I also convinced myself in those blissful two minutes that my son did not learn what flashing was and that couldn’t be the logical conclusion he came to.

When he was getting ready for bed he ran through the house naked, flailed his penis in my direction, farted and ran away laughing. “I am Flash! I will Flash you super fast! I LOVE RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE NAKED!”

There are moments in parenting, like instilling philanthropic hearts in children, that I feel – Yes! I am doing this right!

Then my son throws a naked monkey wrench in the whole damn thing and I am left shaking my head, telling him that “naked superhero time is over and get in bed” and wishing I wasn’t out of wine.

Whoever taught my son what flashing is owes me a case of wine. It’s only fair.

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WTF Did You Say?! About Mooners…

by Leila on January 24, 2013

My 5 year old son yelled “MOONERS!” as he was exiting the bathroom.

Thankfully, his pants were actually up but he was shaking his butt at me in a threatening way.

My jaw dropped and I said, “If you moon me… well, you don’t even want me to finish that threat!”

I didn’t actually have some kind of threat. When I haven’t thought of anything I like to stall in a way that makes it seem bad. I like to keep them guessing.

It didn’t help that all the kids were laughing at me.

He dropped his pants slightly and my daughter yelled “EW! I see crack!!”

Did I mention we were trying to have dinner?!

He yelled “FEAST YOUR EYES!”… Dropped his pants and ran from me laughing hysterically.

Running with your pants down while in a panic doesn’t get you far is something he learned tonight. That was payback enough.

BTW – to whoever taught my son “mooners” – I’m going to get even one day.

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WTF Did You Say?! About uneven body parts…

by Leila on November 28, 2012

My 5 year old son came up to me with a very concerned look on his face and said, “Mommy… one of my buttcheeks is bigger than the other.”

I asked how he knew this.

He said he saw it in his shadow.

I tried to explain depth perception and he argued that I was wrong. He ran into the bathroom, pulled down his pants and bent over in front of the mirror. He came back and whispered…

“Okay Mommy. You were right about my butt cheeks. It WAS the shadow and they are even in the mirror. But, my testicles are TOTALLY uneven in the mirror!”

He zoomed away so fast he didn’t even hear me laugh.

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WTF Did You Say?! On Kissing and Nipples

by Leila on October 22, 2012

My son is fascinated with his nipples and talks about them often. When he is stressed out or concentrating you will find him “tuning in to Tokyo”. The other day he very seriously announced…

“Aw, man! I can’t kiss my own nipples anymore! When I was four I could but five is a year of no nipple kissing…”

Sometimes… I have no words.

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My son woke up with a bounce this morning… which is typical. He is that obnoxious happy person in the morning. I was getting out of the shower when he practically kicked the bathroom door open and announced…

“I am starting SCHOOL TODAAAAAY!!!” and he did a little happy dance.

For a moment I wondered if I messed up?! No, we had another two weeks.

“My love, school doesn’t start for another two weeks.”

He crossed his arms, turned his back on me and said, “Aw… shiiiiiiii…….”

He saw my eyes practically pop out of my head in the bathroom mirror….

“….ttttttt…….aaake. Mushrooms? Shiitake mushrooms? Uh. Do we still have some Mommy? You know… for… sukiyaki?”

Yeah. That is what he meant to say.

I’m going to have to apologize ahead of time to his kinder teacher.

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