WTF Did You Say?!

WTF Did You Say?! About Flashing, The Superhero Flash and Flashing Powers

by Leila on March 6, 2013

I’ve shared stories and moments about my youngest and his obsession with his gentiles. When you are an adult there is a line between a healthy understanding of one’s body and being a creeper… when you are a kid there is no line. They are just innocently exploring and getting reactions out of people. They have no idea what they are doing but they only know how we react.

And they love pushing buttons. It’s a phase right? It is all a phase. They will eventually stop button pushing and we can have sanity again. Right?! Not likely.

A couple weeks ago I found myself having a conversation I never expected.

“Mommy, The Flash is a superhero… do you know what his super power is?”

“He runs really fast!”

He grinned at me in that way that only means trouble, “Yes, but do you know why he has to run really fast??”

….. I don’t want to know now because I don’t want to know what this child has come up with. Look away, pretend you didn’t hear him. Nothing good is going to come of this I can sense it….

“Um, why does The Flash need to run really fast, sweetie?”

“Mommy, it’s because he is a FLASHER!” And he ran away laughing “FLASH THE FLASHER! HE FLASHES! I figured that out in my mind.”

He went about his business and left the topic alone… thankfully.

For about two hours I was convinced that I didn’t hear what I thought I heard. I also convinced myself in those blissful two minutes that my son did not learn what flashing was and that couldn’t be the logical conclusion he came to.

When he was getting ready for bed he ran through the house naked, flailed his penis in my direction, farted and ran away laughing. “I am Flash! I will Flash you super fast! I LOVE RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE NAKED!”

There are moments in parenting, like instilling philanthropic hearts in children, that I feel – Yes! I am doing this right!

Then my son throws a naked monkey wrench in the whole damn thing and I am left shaking my head, telling him that “naked superhero time is over and get in bed” and wishing I wasn’t out of wine.

Whoever taught my son what flashing is owes me a case of wine. It’s only fair.

{ 0 comments }

WTF Did You Say?! About Mooners…

by Leila on January 24, 2013

My 5 year old son yelled “MOONERS!” as he was exiting the bathroom.

Thankfully, his pants were actually up but he was shaking his butt at me in a threatening way.

My jaw dropped and I said, “If you moon me… well, you don’t even want me to finish that threat!”

I didn’t actually have some kind of threat. When I haven’t thought of anything I like to stall in a way that makes it seem bad. I like to keep them guessing.

It didn’t help that all the kids were laughing at me.

He dropped his pants slightly and my daughter yelled “EW! I see crack!!”

Did I mention we were trying to have dinner?!

He yelled “FEAST YOUR EYES!”… Dropped his pants and ran from me laughing hysterically.

Running with your pants down while in a panic doesn’t get you far is something he learned tonight. That was payback enough.

BTW – to whoever taught my son “mooners” – I’m going to get even one day.

{ 0 comments }

WTF Did You Say?! About uneven body parts…

by Leila on November 28, 2012

My 5 year old son came up to me with a very concerned look on his face and said, “Mommy… one of my buttcheeks is bigger than the other.”

I asked how he knew this.

He said he saw it in his shadow.

I tried to explain depth perception and he argued that I was wrong. He ran into the bathroom, pulled down his pants and bent over in front of the mirror. He came back and whispered…

“Okay Mommy. You were right about my butt cheeks. It WAS the shadow and they are even in the mirror. But, my testicles are TOTALLY uneven in the mirror!”

He zoomed away so fast he didn’t even hear me laugh.

{ 1 comment }

WTF Did You Say?! On Kissing and Nipples

by Leila on October 22, 2012

My son is fascinated with his nipples and talks about them often. When he is stressed out or concentrating you will find him “tuning in to Tokyo”. The other day he very seriously announced…

“Aw, man! I can’t kiss my own nipples anymore! When I was four I could but five is a year of no nipple kissing…”

Sometimes… I have no words.

{ 1 comment }

WTF Did you Say!? On starting school and foul language

by Leila on August 22, 2012

My son woke up with a bounce this morning… which is typical. He is that obnoxious happy person in the morning. I was getting out of the shower when he practically kicked the bathroom door open and announced…

“I am starting SCHOOL TODAAAAAY!!!” and he did a little happy dance.

For a moment I wondered if I messed up?! No, we had another two weeks.

“My love, school doesn’t start for another two weeks.”

He crossed his arms, turned his back on me and said, “Aw… shiiiiiiii…….”

He saw my eyes practically pop out of my head in the bathroom mirror….

“….ttttttt…….aaake. Mushrooms? Shiitake mushrooms? Uh. Do we still have some Mommy? You know… for… sukiyaki?”

Yeah. That is what he meant to say.

I’m going to have to apologize ahead of time to his kinder teacher.

{ 6 comments }

WTF Did You Say: On Insects, Cursing and Peeing Your Pants

by Leila on April 9, 2012

Post image for WTF Did You Say: On Insects, Cursing and Peeing Your Pants

I continually try to encourage my kids to overcome their fears in a healthy way. I don’t push them hard but I will cheer them on, praise them and help them through it. One of my personal worst fears is not being able to obtain happiness because of some kind of fear…

Except when it comes to feet and alligators. Nothing good comes of overcoming those fears.

Insects have always freaked my son out but fascinated him at the same time. He used to run screaming from the room as a toddler if he saw a dust bunny! If he saw a clump of fuzz he would panic thinking it was a bug. Now at 4 years old he can play with slugs but still freaks out over any flying bugs. He tries though. He really does.

My Son: Mommy, there is a fly behind the blinds! I’m going to get that fly in the window… I’m going to smash it!

Me: Okay, buddy! I’m so proud of you for even trying but I’ll help…

My Son: HOLY SHIT IT’S A BEE! AAAH!!! I’m sorry I just said shit but I just pee’d my pants!

And he did… all over the living room on the way to the bathroom.

{ 6 comments }

WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

by Leila on February 22, 2012

Post image for WTF Did You… uh, Draw!? From the Minds of Kids

You see those funny pictures kids draw all over the internet and I admit sometimes I think they are fake.

I really couldn’t have come up with this. I could not believe what I was looking at when my daughter showed me the cover of her report.

I mean really? REALLY?!

Are you seeing what I’m seeing??

{ 7 comments }

WTF Did You Say: Knock Knock Jokes and T-Ball Equipment

by Leila on February 11, 2012

Post image for WTF Did You Say: Knock Knock Jokes and T-Ball Equipment

My son is really excited for his first T-Ball practice. When he gets excited he turns into a hyperactive monkey lunatic.

It can be really cute but sometimes he just starts to blurt out nonsense. He realized if he taps on his cup (which is a shopping story in itself) that it will make a knocking noise. First I had to keep telling him to stop tapping on it because it was making me nuts. Repetitive noises irk me. Then he started to uh.. pelvic thrust in to things to test how much his penis did NOT hurt with his cup on. I had to redirect that.

Then he tapped on his cup twice, “Knock knock…”

Uh…

He tapped twice again, “Mommy.. *knock* *knock*?!”

………….. Reluctantly, “Who’s there?”

“PENIS!”

Okay STOP IT!

I really hope this doesn’t continue at practice.

{ 3 comments }

WTF Did You Say?! Dreams, Poop and Anatomy

by Leila on January 30, 2012

This morning my 4 year old son slept in and as soon as he woke up he told me…

 

“Mommy that was a looooooong dream! Like longer than my poops get when I don’t go for awhile and my tummy feels funny. Like super duper long! And almost longer than my penis gets sometimes.”

 

Face meet palm.

{ 1 comment }

WTF Did You Say?! On Spelling and Christmas Cards

by Leila on December 21, 2011

My son is four years old and asks the most random of questions. He also obsesses over numbers and spelling as of late. Earlier he was working on a Christmas Card for me and he asked “Mommy how do you spell… “Mommy, I love you so much. You are pretty. You are the best.”

I asked him if he really wanted me to spell it all out. He insisted. As I started to he put his hands up and said,

“WHOA! Wait a minute! That is WAY too FREAKING long!”

… my jaw dropped at freaking.

He then added…

” You get a heart instead… maybe two. Maybe.”

 

{ 2 comments }

← Previous Entries