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It's a Girl Ninja

I have announced this everywhere but in case you missed my pregnancy announcement I am bringing another ninja into the world this year. She is due in June! Yes, she! This is all about our big day of finding out what I was incubating and how things never go as planned.

In our giant blended family of awesomeness we have two boys and two girls. When we decided to have “just one more” all I focused on was “It better just be one!”.

I didn’t want twins. Logically, that is all I could focus on.

After settling my overly paranoid brain about twins the great debate on what the baby would be began. I never realized how opinionated some people can get about fetus gender until this pregnancy. I think I just ignored everyone’s opinions during my last pregnancies. The more people said one way or another the more I wanted to oppose them for no reason. I’m programmed like that. If someone says “Put a jacket on.” I will purposely not put a freaking jacket on because I don’t like being told what to do. I can’t help it!

For example…

My mother in law told us she knew we were having a boy. She was adamant about this fact. She said she had dreams about it and she is never wrong about these things.

I enjoy proving people wrong. I really enjoy proving her wrong.

I’m really hoping she doesn’t read my blog, too. Ooops.

So, in a matter of minutes I went from being happy with my baby ninja being a girl or a boy to I have to have a girl just to be able to rub it in her face and yell, YOU WERE WRONG!

I’m a wonderful person.

I blame hormones.

My amazing man wanted a girl because of logical reasons. He read somewhere that girls are 33% more likely to care for their fathers when they are grown than boys are. We have two girls already so a third will make him 99% covered.

I do like to point out that the girls ALWAYS side with me and they ALWAYS rat him out to me. I think his theory is flawed.

Anyway, the big day arrived when I was getting my ultrasound. There was a mixup and the detailed ultrasound was cancelled. I was trying not to be hulk-smash about it but I was pissed. I had been looking forward to that day for so long! When I saw my OBGYN in the morning she said, “So long as the baby isn’t crossing its legs I’m sure we can find out for sure what it is.”

I was elated.

I shared it on my Facebook page that we were going to find out what I was incubating.

waiting to find out

The majority of my friends said it would be a girl and some said boy. I didn’t let people know what I was hoping for… but deep down I wanted a girl… and not just because I wanted to prove anyone wrong.

“I’m pretty sure it’s a girl but she is crossing her legs and being difficult…”

Wait… what?! A spawn of mine being difficult!? Shocking. Grr.

“Let’s really shake things up and see if she can spread them.”

That is the only time in my child’s life I will encourage that sort of result. So, my doctor jiggled, shook and even had me bounce around a little bit. Nothing.

We were mostly sure it would be a girl but she told me not to announce it yet until the other ultrasound appointment.

I texted a few friends of mine “My OBGYN is mostly sure it’s a girl but I don’t know yet. I’m trying not to get too excited because if this baby is having a ‘Silence of the Lambs’ moment and tucking I am going to be REALLY mad!”

I was originally going to insert a picture of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs right here but I’m just going to leave that visual for you all.

Thankfully, I got in later that day to see the big reveal. It was confirmed after a LOT of jiggling around and even tickling her feet that it’s a girl. I was so paranoid that she could be wrong that the ultrasound tech offered to give me a 3D picture full of proof.

I gladly accepted.

Our daughter is the tie breaker and has tipped the gender scales in our favor. Estrogen is going to be flowing heavily in this house for many years. The males do not stand a chance.

When I told my youngest that he was going to have a baby sister he got mad. He had said all along he would be happy either way and just wanted a baby in the house. I was shocked! I didn’t know how to react. He said, “Well, Mommy I said I would be happy with either but I would only be a very very tiiiiiiiiny bit happy for a girl but a very very big LOOOOOOTS of happy if it was a boy!” He processed for a few minutes. I reassured him that he was going to be an amazing big brother either way. He grinned at me and said…

“That’s okay! The next one is going to be a boy!” and he ran off.

THE NEXT ONE?! Hold on…

In case you were all wondering how it went when I got to gloat about how my Mother in Law was wrong… it never happened. They never picked up the phone. We didn’t talk to them until like a week later and she was happy it was a girl. I didn’t have my moment.

She won again.

My Dad’s response to the reveal was “Yes! Maybe this one will be evil so I can finally have my revenge.” He also said that he doesn’t see anything in ultrasound pictures and that they are creepy.

Sharing the news on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter was amazing. I was updating everyone as it was all going on. My feeds, inboxes and texts were blowing up. I loved being able to share it all with you. I doubt I will be able to update so freely when she finally arrives… but I am hoping this labor and delivery goes the way my doctor anticipates.

“Oh with this one I think you are just going to sneeze her out! Just don’t go far from the hospital… it will come quick and you don’t want her falling out.”

And on that visual I end this.

Thanks for all the awesomeness, everyone. I truly appreciate you all.

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Baby Bump or Constipation?

Baby Bump or Constipation?

After I shared that our blended family was expanding this June I was flooded with questions. I know some people don’t know what they are saying sometimes… but I can’t help think of obnoxious answers to some simple (as well as some totally offensive questions).

I may or may not have actually said these responses. Okay, so who am I kidding. I did. Thankfully most people I know get my humor or just smile, nod and walk away.

“Are you going to find out the gender?”

Um, hell yes! I cannot wait. That would be torture. I like to plan! I do not like surprises. Right now is the time I am waiting for the big reveal… why wait 20 weeks longer?

“What are you hoping for?”

A unicorn… or Batman. Maybe I could birth a Time Lord.

“Are you nervous having that many kids? 5 kids! Eeek!”

You are all seeing this wrong. Our five kiddos ages will range from newborn to 14 years old. Do you know what that means? A whole lot of helpers!

“Where is the baby going to sleep?”

Initially, I prefer to co-sleep. Then I will have a pack and play and move the baby into the room of the kids that are pissing me off the most. This serves as a bonding opportunity for the kids, punishment and hopefully birth control.

I may or may not actually consider this after the baby arrives – hehehe

“Do you remember what to do with a newborn? It has been 6 years…”

I forgot everything about raising a new human. I’m going to equip myself with duct tape and chloroform and hope for the best.

“Are your kids happy about another sibling coming into the picture?”

Was anyone happy about you coming into the picture?

“You don’t look pregnant… are you sure?”

Hmm… maybe you are right. Maybe I’m not pregnant and everything I am experiencing is really bad constipation!

“Why would you want to start over?”

I enjoy not sleeping. I also enjoy becoming a milk factory where my boobs become rock hard torpedos and I feel like my nipples are going to fall off. Diapers are rad. Pushing my body to the limit and creating a cavern of chaos in my low region is amazing. Another 18 years of parenting torture is better than a luxurious vacation to Fiji.

I also want to scar my teen and tweens into fearing having babies.

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I’ve done the customer service gig in the past and I know how difficult it is. People can be so rude and short with customer service reps. I know call centers are script based and there are a lot of things reps are taught to up sell or read off in different situations. Sometimes it is mandatory that they say certain parts of their script and it is part of their job. It’s an almost mindless job and a very frustrating one on top of it.

I always put on my best business nicey professional attitude and try to avoid being another idiot on the phone when I have to make a call. I joke with them and be as pleasant as possible. My kids like to say that I don’t sound like me when I make those calls. haha

But, sometimes I just can’t help it when someone keeps getting all pushy with me.

We don’t watch a lot of TV. When the TV is on we are finding something on demand, firing up Netflix, browsing what is available via Amazon prime or renting a movie. Now that Dexter is over we don’t watch HBO and Homeland is the only thing I need Showtime for. Realistically I can wait for any shows I really like. All the things I want to watch, besides BBC America, are all basic cable.

Anyway, I’m cheap so why pay for something we don ‘t need? I called to cancel our TV supreme ultimate mega everything package and drop down to basic cable. I had no idea it would be like negotiating world peace.

Me: Hi I want to drop my TV package down to the basic one because we don’t need it and live stream everything or order movies…

Customer Service Lady: Oh you won’t be happy… you will lose all these channels (spends 5 minutes telling me all the channels we will lose while I tell her I watch none of them) You will also lose Lifetime. (Why the crap would she mention Lifetime

Me: I don’t watch Lifetime… All I need is BBC which that plan has so I am good with it. I did my research.

Her: But, this package will not include lifetime which is the most popular channel for women…

Me: I don’t watch lifetime… (That should have been enough to say the first time…)

Her: Ok, ma’am. You will also lose the cooking channels… and again Lifetime has…

Me: I don’t watch the cooking channels and again I do NOT watch Lifetime… 

Her: (Goes on another rant about all the things I will be losing and how she doesn’t recommend dropping down to basic) This weekend there will be blahblahblah marathon and suchandsuch movie on Lifetime which you will miss out on if…

Me: Seriously, I don’t watch Lifetime. I don’t even know any of those Lifetime movies. I don’t watch girly feel good shows or whatever is on that channel and I make fun of my friends who stay up all night watching that stuff crying over it. I’m more into horror flicks with a lot of blood, murder, body parts and guts.. and (just to really be obnoxious) midget porn. Do you have channels for that?

Her: ….

Me: Hello, are you still there?

Her: Ma’am I am going to go ahead and drop you down to the basic package right away. 

I won.

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I’m going to start this out saying I do not judge how anyone else raises their kids. There is no one perfect way of nurturing your own wee little army of minions.

It’s all about what works for you.

One thing that works for me is the fact that I am not a damn maid. I am not, and should not, be responsible for picking up after human beings who are capable of doing it themselves or at the very least helping. I’m not going to follow my kids around and wipe their butts, scrape their plates and put away their fricken things for them when they are adults so why would I do it for them their entire childhoods? They have to learn how to be a little self sufficient before becoming an adult so why would I wait until after they move out to teach them? No, they start when they are able to and that is that.

I also do not give allowances. I don’t believe in paying kids for doing what they should be doing. That is a harsh reality, I suppose. But, no one is paying me for doing my laundry, washing my car or making my bed. I just have to do it… or don’t. I can choose not to because I’m a grown woman and when they are grown they can either use what I’ve taught them or be lazy!

At least I will know they are making a choice rather than being clueless about being self sufficient.

To be totally transparent I have paid someone else to do my laundry and I do enjoy cleaning services. Sending off loads of laundry to the local cleaners was a glorious luxury when living in NY. They would wash, press and fold everything perfectly. I was kind of in love with the laundry ladies.

Anyway… kids learning independence isn’t something anyone should pay for it is something that is instilled within them.

My point is that I have kids ranging from 6 – 14 and if I spent all my time picking up after them and their Dad I would not get anything done… and I would probably want to smother them all. I wouldn’t actually smother them but I sure as hell would think about it!

So, we have a lot of chores and I’m probably evil for it. Everyone has chores and expectations no matter what they try to pull to get out of it or how much they may whine at times. Yeah, the kids aren’t perfect at it but it’s good enough. The older kids do laundry, fold it and put it away… they are not as perfect as my NYC laundry ladies but they are pretty good. The 6 year old folds and puts away anything square or rectangle, socks and undies. Sure, half the time he runs around with everyone’s underwear on his head but it ends up where it needs to be. Most of the time.

Meal time is often a fun family bonding experience. I’m teaching all the kids how to cook, be safe in the kitchen and everyone takes turns on dishes. We do a lot of cooking from scratch because of health and food allergies. The kitchen is used a LOT. It’s a lot of work to get deliciousness from scratch on the table and cleaned up. We listen to music and make the most of it. The older kiddos can successfully make meals on their own now and we are proud of them for that. It’s fun and I am proud of them learning.

Though our 14 year old dude asked the other day when I asked him to prep and boil the potatoes, “So, do I need to add water to the pot to boil these…” Yeah, it’s a work in progress! We have endless amounts of laughter at those moments.

The garden weeds are also pulled by the kids, we clean the pool together and bathrooms are scrubbed by little hands. When you have some easily distracted males in the house who… I don’t even know what they do… but their pee streams end up everywhere around the toilet they are going to be wiping all of that up. I know how to aim, dammit and no one is in diapers so why should I wipe up their pee?!

“But, kids should play and have fun. That is too much for them!” Really? I also like to play and have fun. We enjoy these things together. Sometimes we have fun and play while we clean. If I divide up the chores around the house it will take us a fraction of the time to get it done together and that means more time to play for all.

Everyone has bad days and that is supported. Sometimes homework is crazy or someone is feeling sick so everyone else picks up the slack. There were days where I was out of commission and stressing about all the things that need to be done… and they all handled it without being asked.

That means the world to me.

They just do it all. They know the drill. They know how to handle it.

Because they are capable. Because they know they can. Because they aren’t hopeless. Because they have done it all before. Because they want to give back to me for all I do for them…

or maybe they do it so they can hit me up later for something else…

or they are buttering me up and plotting my doom because I make them pick up shit for themselves.

I do not like thinking about when my kids are grown and leave the nest. Yes, a part of me would like to clip their wings and keep them close. I would much rather see them fly free and stable on their own… and clean up after themselves until they take flight.

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Do you ever have a moment in parenting where you wonder, “Where did I go wrong?” but it also conflicts with another thought at the same exact time of, “Maybe I am doing this right!”

As my 11 year old princess of doom starts to resemble more of a young woman than a little girl in all aspects of her being it makes me a little sad and proud at the same time. Yes, I miss her being an adorable little girl who just lit up a room everywhere she went. I miss the things she mispronounced like “A-do-bo-cado” and a part of me misses the endless freaking tea parties, fairy wings and princess stuff.

I never had any expectations of who I expected her to be when she found herself. I just wanted her to be herself and confidently so. I’ve never tried to influence her and have tried to keep negative comments to myself.

Okay, I may have had some strong opinions about cheerleading vs playing sports and annoying tween shows. She basically ignores any of my sarcastic remarks anyway!

Now conversations about life have a much more mature tone and she likes to talk about things that really make me want to bang my head on a wall. She is also very funny and has zero concept of embarrassment!

I have no idea where she got it from.

We were discussing bad words and what they actually meant. I have no idea how this subject came up and I often regret having total open dialog with my kids! But… it was a conversation worth having and I could NOT believe what she said to me.

Me: Alright, do you know what the F word actually means? It’s a versatile curse word that can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and almost every word in a sentence. But, it … uh… for sure is derived from one thing.

Her: Oh I am pretty sure I know what it means! I’ve also heard you use it in all sorts of different ways! (Thanks kid… I’m not a great Mom sometimes!)

Me: Oh, okay. So you know that the F word also means… uh… sex?

Her: Yeah… I have to tell you something reeeaaally funny about the first time I learned what that meant.

Me: Okay (Oh no… someone end me now… I don’t want to know where this is going)

Her: Well, a friend of mine showed me a video…

Me: uh huh…. (VIDEO?! This isn’t good. End. it. now. Please?)

Her: And in this video there was like a crazy party or something…

Me: Yeah…. (Why did I ever do this to myself? Kids are evil. Kids are bad. NEVER BE A PARENT)

Her: And well… that dragon Spike from My Little Ponies said, “Pinkie Pie is out of control! She f-worded a snail on the lawn!” My friend totally didn’t know what that word meant or what they were talking about but I knew then! It was soooo funny! But, my friend was so scared that the video had a bad word and we knew we shouldn’t watch it!

Me: *blink*

Her: Why would anyone edit videos and make the characters say such funny things… And WHO does THAT to a SNAIL?!

Me: *blink* (I think I died a little)

Her: *laughing hysterically* Mommy, are you breathing?! hahaha you look like you are going to puke!

After the shock wore off I laughed so hard I cried. We discussed inappropriate things online and I accepted it was an honest mistake and I am glad she finally told me about it. She was relieved that I wasn’t angry.

And then I wanted to drown away that horrible moment in a pool of vodka.

Our babies will become teens and they will eventually be adults. We cannot shelter them from what is out there but we can try to keep open communication so they know to come to us with facts. I would rather my daughter discuss these things with me than try to figure them out with her peers who may be as clueless as her.

It’s difficult to cut those strings of childhood but I can take comfort in the fact that she has taken those strings and created a stable safety net for herself.

That safety net is supported by me and she knows that.

I love her honesty. I really do. I love that her and I can have these giggly moments about taboo things. I hope that makes her less likely to rebel using that kind of language around peers or at school. I love that I see a lot of my sense of humor evolving in her and getting a glimpse of the funny woman she is going to be is kind of awesome. I love that she is becoming a really rad teenager and she is completely herself around me.

What I don’t love is the fact that she saw a snail on the lawn on the way to school and she HAD to bring that up and laugh my my reaction! “Mommy, loooook … it’s a SNAIL on the LAWN!”

Okay, I love that she does things like that but I never expected to have this kind of amazing open and honest relationship that I have with her… and I hope it stays. Always.

Side note: Every single one of my friends who reads this is going to have a sudden moment of panic wondering, “WAS IT MY KID WHO SHOWED HER THIS VIDEO?! OMG!”

WTF Did You Say!?

And the fact I find that hilarious proves I’m the greatest friend ever. Love you guys!

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I’m not a judgmental person. I’m really reaaaally not. I’ve been told some crazy things and I accept that people dig their own things.

People are brilliantly unique creatures and the differences fascinate me.

So, to each their own. Learn, love and respect… right?? Right.

But, when some freaky google searches land someone on my blog I can’t help but laugh. The visuals are… well, I can’t UNSEE these things!

I remember this popping up but I totally forgot about it until I was going through my folder of random things that make me laugh. I figured I should just share it with you all because it makes me teehee that much.

Make Love to Backpacks... really?

 It never occurred to me that someone loves backpacks THAT much and I didn’t expect this tidbit of information to surface after I wrote about the Japanese randoseru backpacks I got in Tokyo this year.

I’m probably alone in loving this in the same way the googler loves backpacks… but sometimes you gotta share these visuals so others are stuck with it as well.

:P

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First Day of School!

The first day of school is precious, right? The youngest is off to 1st grade, our oldest was already getting lost in High School and the 11 year old princess of doom was ready for 6th grade.

And yes, of course, that is a Tardis lunchbox my son is rockin! 

Last night I wrote about how wonderful it was to start this middle school adventure with things going right.

A part of me hesitated to post it because you know what they say about those “famous last words…”

This morning was lovely. She woke up early, made herself and her little brother breakfast. She was so chipper and excited. We got to the school and met in the auditorium with all the other 6th graders…

And yes other parents were there so I wasn’t the ONLY crazy Mom!

We found her name on the homeroom class list and we sat in the section for that teacher. She found friends she knew and immediately started making new ones. She is very outgoing and social. Not sure where she gets it from! The school has such an upbeat and fun atmosphere. The kids were laughing, cheering and ready to start their day with enthusiasm. I reassured her that all would be well, we agreed on where I would pick her up and she hugged me and gave me a kiss goodbye not caring what her peers thinks. She rocks like that.

I left feeling amazing. I met up with friends for coffee. I went home and worked. We treated me to having the house cleaned. I was just feeling so content, missing the chaos of summer but thankful that the kids were all off to a positive start.

Things Were Going Right… Right?

When I picked my daughter up she had a bounce in her step and a big smile on her face. I asked her how her day was and I did not expect what she told me…

Her: It was awesome! Oh yeah so I didn’t get my classes until like lunchtime, I sat in the office for like EVER and had to stalk the principal. Oh and apparently some boy likes me already. It’s only the first day! The. First. Day!

Me: Wait… what the crap happened??

Her: Okay, so this boy who my friend knows…

Me: Not. That. Please, not that! What do you mean you didn’t have your classes and why are you stalking the principal?!?

Her: I had to stalk him because he couldn’t be found.

Me: *blinks*

Her: By the way your weird bad luck of strange things always happening to you has officially rubbed off on me. I’m doomed. But, it was such a great day!

Basically my daughter got to homeroom and there was no printout of her classes. She had to go to the office to get a copy of them but there was some miscommunication so she ended up in the library with a bunch of kids who did not have classroom assignments. She realized this and had to go back to the office knowing the principal knew who she was. She somehow ended up in a secretaries office for over an hour and still didn’t see the principal. So, she went in the bathroom and as she said “needed to allow herself to cry for a minute, get past it and then take charge!”. She then “stalked” the principal… and by stalking she really just stood by a window and waited until she saw him, ran after him and got her class list. All was well after that.

The amazing thing is how she handled it all. I am so impressed with her.

She. Just. Laughed!

Me: You handled that so brilliantly. I’m very proud of you.

Her: Thank you… but I kind of just handled it by counting every dot on the ceiling until my eyes began to bleed! No, I’m kidding. I was just thinking that at least I wasn’t accidentally poking my eyes like you do for no reason. It could have been so much worse!

Me: Why has this all become about my inability to adjust my glasses without hurting myself?

Her: Doesn’t everything go back to that?

Point taken.

After school the principal called me and even he was confused as to what happened and he felt terrible. I wasn’t mad. She wasn’t mad. We can laugh about it. I joked about it and made it light. I appreciated him taking the time and genuinely caring. It all worked out in the end and that’s what matters.

The biggest slice of awesomeness from it was that I was able to see how my 11 year old handles stressful and confusing situations. When I told her I would have lost my mind and said a lot of inappropriate words she said to me, “That’s why I waited until AFTER school to tell you!”

She said that after it was all done all she could do was laugh and somehow blame me because strange things always happen to me.

Yup, she’s my spawn.

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I’m at war with my vision (or lack of vision). More specifically I’m at war with the devices that help me see.

Sometimes I forget that I handled jalapenos and I change my contacts. This results in me running around screaming because of the jalapeno juice of doom burning my retinas. Yes, retinas. They reach my innermost eyeball core.

I regularly poke my eye, accidentally of course, while trying to adjust my glasses.

I’ve stabbed my eyes with my glasses.

I have also poked my eye or the bridge of my nose because I was trying to adjust the glasses that are not on my face.

When I yell out, “OUCH!” my kids will reply with “Did you poke your eye again, Mommy?”

REALLY?!

I honestly stopped wearing contacts for six months because I was concerned I would do something stupid and lose my vision for good. This didn’t shock my friends.

I think they supported it but missed the entertainment.

When my annual eye exam came up I was happy to discuss LASIK options but it’s just not in my budget right now. My optometrist urged me to make it a priority because of my history of being a complete jackass. She suggested I look into “more obvious” eyewear so I won’t forget when I have them on.

Yes, she meant bigger. Huge glasses and heavy so I wasn’t poking myself by being overly excited and distracted by life.

When I realized she wanted me to get glasses so big I could see into the future I probably should have been slightly offended. That’s what most people do, right? She was so delicate about the suggestion I sensed she was expecting me to be upset or negative. My first thought was, “This is going to be awesome!!”

I browsed the glasses. I was steered towards the men’s frames. I couldn’t find anything that I loved. I also figured if I was going big with this I needed to really go big. I needed absolute ridiculous!

Need not want. I want to have perfect vision but I need to be… well… me.

I asked if I could use sunglasses for frames and the sales chick, reluctantly, offered to pop frames out of them so I could see what they looked like as glasses.

THIS WAS AMAZING.

If you have seen my Instagram feed or know me in person I am usually rocking some huge glasses that make me look like an anime bug.

I love them.

I feel that the larger the sunglasses the smaller my giant head looks! It’s in my half Japanese genes to have a ginormous noggin.

As I tried on dozens (seriously) of sunglasses frames I noticed the sales girl got a little nervous. She tried so hard to stay positive and not react negatively. I said to her ”It’s totally okay… I embrace looking absolutely ridiculous!” She smiled politely and excused herself to help others.

Since then I’ve scoped out my sunglasses and want to get a second set. I’m paranoid that I will lose my glasses, run out of contacts and bump into things. Also, I scratched the lens on my favorite sunglasses and figured I should convert them to everyday wear.

A few days ago my sweetie confessed that he hates those sunglasses. The look of disgust when I told him I was going to get them as prescription glasses was priceless.

“Would they look ridiculous or awesome as glasses?!”

He replied, “They look ridiculous as both!”

“You mean… they look ridiculously awesome as both!”

He made a face.

I popped the lenses out to show him the awesomeness. He made another face and mumbled to himself. He was driving, the kids were in the back laughing and he just shook his head and focused on the road.

“I don’t have to love them… it’s your choice…” he said to me and I quickly cut off with “OH I KNOW! I can’t wait!”

Last night I popped the lenses out again and told him I was going to wear them like that all the time until he realized he loved them. He left the room.

I took pictures of myself in the giant frames of radness and I intended to send him multiple pictures of me in them.

Ridiculousness with eyewear

Ridiculousness with eyewear

Ridiculousness with eyewear

Ridiculousness with eyewear

He had to realize these frames were going to be a part of my face soon.

When our son jumped in to take pictures with me I wasn’t sure if he loved the frames or loved the chance to take silly pictures. Either way I was cool with it.

His Dad continued to ignore me. I kept bugging him about the glasses. I loved the frames more and more.

I love that he will give me his opinion honestly and accept that I’m going to do what I want anyways.

That is what sustains a loving relationship. Acceptance, awesome frames that annoy your significant other when he looks at your smirking/mocking face and you realize he loves you so much he will put up with anything. Thanks, babe!

Oh and also these are supposed to prevent me from poking my eyeballs out. So, there is that.

 

 

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I love coffee on an obnoxiously-delicious addictive level. My coffee addiction is so bad, yet comical, that my daughter started making me coffee years ago as a means of self preservation. 

She is the smartest one in this house.

I’m also a bit of a jackass and tend to do things to hurt myself, break myself and end up in ridiculous situations.

I had one of those days where my to-do list was too long, I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I was rushing everything. The plan was simple – grab a peppermint mocha with soy and no whip (yes, you can get these year round. You are welcome!) and head into Lowes then to the five other places I needed to go.

I got so far as the Lowes parking lot.

What came next happened within a few seconds, but it seemed like I was stuck in a slow motion movie scene.

I got my coffee, parked and took a picture of the deliciousness in a venti sized cup to share on Instagram. Because… that is what everyone does right? I grabbed my Tardis purse (it’s bigger on the inside) and my coffee and started to hop out of my truck when all hell broke loose.

My purse got stuck on something.

That caused me to slip and my arm, which was connected to my coffee, jerk back.

My venti peppermint mocha was falling to it’s DOOM!

I did what any sane person does in that situation…

I screamed loudly and tried to catch that coffee in midair so fast that I ended up karate chopping it. 

By the way – At that point I was still halfway outside of my truck, in a leaning back Matrix-like position with my big huge Tardis purse wrapped up on something.

The coffee hit the radio and a volcanic coffee explosion happened. It. Got. EVERYWHERE. I had coffee on my face, down my back and my hair smelled of peppermint mocha for days despite the amount of times I washed it. Coffee was on the ceiling, behind the steering wheel, ALL over the windshield and just puddles of it.

Coffee Explosions

You never realize how much is in a venti sized coffee cup until it’s all over your everything.

I was yelling the whole time. I do that when I get nervous and I do it without thinking. After the yelling I laughed and I laughed so hard I snorted. I was halfway outside my truck, covered in coffee, practically strangled by my purse and laughing hysterically.

The Lowes parking lot was filled with men loading up their work trucks. I heard a faint male’s voice ask “Ma’am… do you need help?” and I yelled back “Move along boys! I got this!”

At that point I did what anyone would do. I took pictures and shared them on Instagram and Facebook. I texted my sweetie who was telling his co-workers how amazingly graceful and sane I am in these situations.

Coffee Explosion

I had only a few napkins, my soaked hoodie and a used snot tissue in my truck to clean this mess up. The windshield was a giant coffee smear. I could see out of it but not well. My glasses were also foggy with coffee. I drove the one mile up the road to my house with my face over the steering wheel and trying to drive as carefully as I could with my hazards on. An officer pulled up next to me at a stop light, I gave him a quick rundown of my morning and he let me follow him down the road. I think he was contemplating locking me up in a looney bin. 

I got home, cleaned up the mess the best I could and literally hosed myself off on the front lawn. After almost an hour of scrubbing, washing and soaking up coffee I was glad to be done. 

Until…

Coffee Explosion

Yup, of course I would lock my keys in the truck.

Thankfully, I found the spare.

I’m glad it was my ‘free’ coffee so, techincally, I didn’t commit coffee waste.

So, amuse/comfort me… How many of you have done something similar? :P

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I’m sick… again. This isn’t a whine this is just a fact. I swear I’ve been sick more than healthy the past few months.

Bonus – I’ve caught up on a LOT of TV… like Game of Thrones, True Blood and Dexter. None of which I saw a single episode before this fall. Seriously, that is a lot of sick TV watching. 

Anyway…

I’ve also had a lot of time to think about people, germs and should be common courtesy when it comes to being outbreak monkeys.

When my kids are sick they stay home from school. I don’t push it with them because I don’t want other people suffering. I don’t take them out. I will try and avoid taking them to the store.

I hope others do the same. They don’t… but I can wish they did.

Spreading germs isn’t cool… mmmkay.

During the holidays, my family does a LOT together. It’s rad. I’m thankful to have such a close and fun family. They are the kind of family that would rather laugh and have a good time than… well… anything else. There are always a lot of parties going on during this time of year. Lots of social events. Tons of overplanning…

Everyone wants to hang out when there is so much awesomeness going on.

So, it’s okay t show up and risk spreading germs to those you love… right?

SO NOT RIGHT.

Stay home, toast to your loved one from the non-germ-spreading comforts of your own casa and give the gift of not sharing germs.

I’m extremely laid back with most things. I have some things that truly get under my skin and/or make me totally crazy. Germ spreading is one of them. Not just because I got a kid with a compromised immune system… but also because IT’S GROSS!

As a person ages a person also has to realize they need to develop a filter. The things I want to blurt out I keep tucked away in my head. I privately jotted a few of them down for my own amusement. Then I decided to share them here… which probably still makes me a jackass.

Things I wish I could say when someone says not to get too close because they are sick…

“I’m so glad that in addition to you giving everyone the shits from your appetizers that you are also giving us the plague”

“It was very thoughtful of you to warn me. Would have been more thoughtful if you stayed home”

“You being sick just gives me an excuse to avoid you which I would have done anyway”

“Ugh.”

“This flu is going to be the best gift you’ve given me yet”

“I’m thankful you were married into the family and we don’t actually share genes”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!”

“No one actually likes you here. You and your germs wouldn’t have been missed”

“If no one was looking I would beat you with a can of lysol.”

“Does this smell like chloroform?” (haha this makes me laugh so much)

“Why do you suck at life so much?”

“The party would have been better without you and your germs.”

“It’s totally cool! Next time I have explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting from the stomach flu I’m having a party at your place to give you the ultimate hostess gift.”

“Get near my kids with your germs and I will cut-a-bitch”

“Sharing means caring but sharing germs makes you an asshat”

Truthfully, I would say things like this to my closest friends and that is why I love them. What are your thoughts on people who show up sick and gross? What do you wish you could say?

Sidenote: This isn’t JUST about people I know or parties I went to… I’ve seen people all over twitter and facebook comment on how a bunch of people got sick from a party from one person. Also, I am adding this to save my butt if any of my relatives find my blog. LOVE YOU GUYS! MWAH! 

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