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The Time I Created a Coffee Explosion … Because I Have No Sense

by Leila on April 29, 2013

I love coffee on an obnoxiously-delicious addictive level. My coffee addiction is so bad, yet comical, that my daughter started making me coffee years ago as a means of self preservation. 

She is the smartest one in this house.

I’m also a bit of a jackass and tend to do things to hurt myself, break myself and end up in ridiculous situations.

I had one of those days where my to-do list was too long, I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I was rushing everything. The plan was simple – grab a peppermint mocha with soy and no whip (yes, you can get these year round. You are welcome!) and head into Lowes then to the five other places I needed to go.

I got so far as the Lowes parking lot.

What came next happened within a few seconds, but it seemed like I was stuck in a slow motion movie scene.

I got my coffee, parked and took a picture of the deliciousness in a venti sized cup to share on Instagram. Because… that is what everyone does right? I grabbed my Tardis purse (it’s bigger on the inside) and my coffee and started to hop out of my truck when all hell broke loose.

My purse got stuck on something.

That caused me to slip and my arm, which was connected to my coffee, jerk back.

My venti peppermint mocha was falling to it’s DOOM!

I did what any sane person does in that situation…

I screamed loudly and tried to catch that coffee in midair so fast that I ended up karate chopping it. 

By the way – At that point I was still halfway outside of my truck, in a leaning back Matrix-like position with my big huge Tardis purse wrapped up on something.

The coffee hit the radio and a volcanic coffee explosion happened. It. Got. EVERYWHERE. I had coffee on my face, down my back and my hair smelled of peppermint mocha for days despite the amount of times I washed it. Coffee was on the ceiling, behind the steering wheel, ALL over the windshield and just puddles of it.

Coffee Explosions

You never realize how much is in a venti sized coffee cup until it’s all over your everything.

I was yelling the whole time. I do that when I get nervous and I do it without thinking. After the yelling I laughed and I laughed so hard I snorted. I was halfway outside my truck, covered in coffee, practically strangled by my purse and laughing hysterically.

The Lowes parking lot was filled with men loading up their work trucks. I heard a faint male’s voice ask “Ma’am… do you need help?” and I yelled back “Move along boys! I got this!”

At that point I did what anyone would do. I took pictures and shared them on Instagram and Facebook. I texted my sweetie who was telling his co-workers how amazingly graceful and sane I am in these situations.

Coffee Explosion

I had only a few napkins, my soaked hoodie and a used snot tissue in my truck to clean this mess up. The windshield was a giant coffee smear. I could see out of it but not well. My glasses were also foggy with coffee. I drove the one mile up the road to my house with my face over the steering wheel and trying to drive as carefully as I could with my hazards on. An officer pulled up next to me at a stop light, I gave him a quick rundown of my morning and he let me follow him down the road. I think he was contemplating locking me up in a looney bin. 

I got home, cleaned up the mess the best I could and literally hosed myself off on the front lawn. After almost an hour of scrubbing, washing and soaking up coffee I was glad to be done. 

Until…

Coffee Explosion

Yup, of course I would lock my keys in the truck.

Thankfully, I found the spare.

I’m glad it was my ‘free’ coffee so, techincally, I didn’t commit coffee waste.

So, amuse/comfort me… How many of you have done something similar? :P

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Things I Want to Say to People Who Show Up Sick at Parties

by Leila on December 27, 2012

I’m sick… again. This isn’t a whine this is just a fact. I swear I’ve been sick more than healthy the past few months.

Bonus – I’ve caught up on a LOT of TV… like Game of Thrones, True Blood and Dexter. None of which I saw a single episode before this fall. Seriously, that is a lot of sick TV watching. 

Anyway…

I’ve also had a lot of time to think about people, germs and should be common courtesy when it comes to being outbreak monkeys.

When my kids are sick they stay home from school. I don’t push it with them because I don’t want other people suffering. I don’t take them out. I will try and avoid taking them to the store.

I hope others do the same. They don’t… but I can wish they did.

Spreading germs isn’t cool… mmmkay.

During the holidays, my family does a LOT together. It’s rad. I’m thankful to have such a close and fun family. They are the kind of family that would rather laugh and have a good time than… well… anything else. There are always a lot of parties going on during this time of year. Lots of social events. Tons of overplanning…

Everyone wants to hang out when there is so much awesomeness going on.

So, it’s okay t show up and risk spreading germs to those you love… right?

SO NOT RIGHT.

Stay home, toast to your loved one from the non-germ-spreading comforts of your own casa and give the gift of not sharing germs.

I’m extremely laid back with most things. I have some things that truly get under my skin and/or make me totally crazy. Germ spreading is one of them. Not just because I got a kid with a compromised immune system… but also because IT’S GROSS!

As a person ages a person also has to realize they need to develop a filter. The things I want to blurt out I keep tucked away in my head. I privately jotted a few of them down for my own amusement. Then I decided to share them here… which probably still makes me a jackass.

Things I wish I could say when someone says not to get too close because they are sick…

“I’m so glad that in addition to you giving everyone the shits from your appetizers that you are also giving us the plague”

“It was very thoughtful of you to warn me. Would have been more thoughtful if you stayed home”

“You being sick just gives me an excuse to avoid you which I would have done anyway”

“Ugh.”

“This flu is going to be the best gift you’ve given me yet”

“I’m thankful you were married into the family and we don’t actually share genes”

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!”

“No one actually likes you here. You and your germs wouldn’t have been missed”

“If no one was looking I would beat you with a can of lysol.”

“Does this smell like chloroform?” (haha this makes me laugh so much)

“Why do you suck at life so much?”

“The party would have been better without you and your germs.”

“It’s totally cool! Next time I have explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting from the stomach flu I’m having a party at your place to give you the ultimate hostess gift.”

“Get near my kids with your germs and I will cut-a-bitch”

“Sharing means caring but sharing germs makes you an asshat”

Truthfully, I would say things like this to my closest friends and that is why I love them. What are your thoughts on people who show up sick and gross? What do you wish you could say?

Sidenote: This isn’t JUST about people I know or parties I went to… I’ve seen people all over twitter and facebook comment on how a bunch of people got sick from a party from one person. Also, I am adding this to save my butt if any of my relatives find my blog. LOVE YOU GUYS! MWAH! 

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Family Bonding, Christmas Trees and Weeping Angel vs Elf on the Shelf

by Leila on December 11, 2012

This is a typical holiday moment for most families right?

Why does a season that is supposed to be so merry cause so many damn curse words? Also, why do people get so hostile over the perfection of decorations, trees and wrapping paper? I’m not a crazy holiday decoration type person. I’m not a traditionalist in the slightest. I am pretty sure that is obvious. I also really suck at wrapping gifts. It’s pathetic.

I embrace this fact.

When we were picking out a tree I said to my honey that I’m all for getting a small tree and not making a big deal out of it. He gave me a kiss and said since it’s our first Christmas back together he wanted it to be special. I love him for that. I love despite his tough guy exterior he is a total sap.

So, I made a face and punched him in the arm. I’m so romantic.

The kids ran around like lunatics and our youngest collected bits of rope. Finding a tree always seems like a weird process. Is it crooked? Are there holes in it? Does it have bats in it? Is it full enough? Does it time travel?

Anyway… despite me missing something that makes me fully understand the holiday hype I have a crapton of fun with it in my own way.

He was this sure about every tree he passed

I told him to look happy. The look of “stop taking freaking pictures and tell me if this is the one you want” was so much better!

I just realized my son and his Dad makes this same face. I still say he looks more like me. 

They were so happy about the tree they all went crazy. 

Sometimes there are no words needed

I’m obviously a bit of a geek. I have the strangest mix of ornaments out there. One year I decided I wanted to do a “creepy christmas” tree. It was an all white fake tree with black and red ornaments. I added a Nightmare Before Christmas flare to it.

It was epic.

I love watching kids decorate the tree. They have absolutely no clue what they are doing. They put too many ornaments on one branch. They drop them. They almost knock the tree down.

It’s comedy. I just let them roll with it. It’s for them anyway.

This picture was my son’s idea. Daddy had no idea… until he saw me upload this just now

Over the years the kids and I have come up with fun ideas. We usually put my Harley Quinn doll as a tree topper. This year my daughter came up with the brilliant idea to use the Weeping Angel instead. Basically, she rocks.

I haven’t blinked in days.

I thought that the next step was only fitting. All of us that bring the Elf on the Shelf in our homes have that moment where we wish it would get zapped out of our timeline and out of our lives. However, we know that creepy little elf doesn’t blink. It stares at us. Watches us. Taunts us. But, we can hope…

That shit is amusing/creepy if you have an elf on the shelf and are a Doctor Who fan.

If neither of these things apply then I sound like a jackass.

I also embrace this fact. 

Either way this is how family bonding, the holidays and my geekiness makes me love and appreciate my quirky family. Tis the season, my ninjas.

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A Better Workout and Family Bonding Fun with Just Dance 4

by Leila on November 21, 2012

Thank you to Ubisoft for sponsoring this post. Please click here to learn more about Ubisoft. I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective. #UbiChamps

I’m Just Dance obsessed. Just Dance is perfect for party entertainment. It’s also great to break up the summer routine with some indoor fun. I love Just Dance for fitness and getting my butt in shape. Just Dance is also great for family bonding and hilarious footage. Want to do a fun girls night in add wine and Just Dance.

We’ve had Just Dance 4 for a few weeks now and it’s the best version yet. The new features are AMAZING! The kids have picked this game over any others lately and the song selection is SO good!

The dances have stepped it up a LOT. You will really dance it up. It is much more challenging than the other games and I found that the choreography has improved dramatically.

Just Dance 4: New Just Sweat Mode

The brand new workout sessions and calorie counter is exactly what I needed. I’ve used the previous versions of Just Dance to get my sweat on but I just focused on the really hard ones… and I danced til I felt like my legs were jello. Now you get to personalize your workouts with different types of music and length of time for your workout: 10/25/45 Minutes.

Just Dance 4: Battle Mode

Are you competitive? I am… shocking, I know. The Battle Mode is rad because you get to dance off and try not to allow your health bar to deplete. It’s like an ultimate battle fighting game with dancing… no physical contact in this fight! Well, unless you are my Dad who tends to swing his grand kids into others in order to win. Seriously.

Just Dance 4: For Thanksgiving and Family Bonding

The holidays are here, my ninjas! We have entered massive calorie consuming time and we need to get moving more. Just Dance 4 has such a wide variety of music that anyone in your family or at your party will find a song they just love. The game is so much fun that you forget you are moving so you forget it’s like working out. It’s hard to play this game and not laugh and have a great time.

I dare you to select Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” on Just Dance 4 and not laugh. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE! Ubisoft found a way to Rick Roll everyone… brilliant!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving aka Dancegiving and if you follow me on Instagram then you will be seeing many pictures of food and Just Dance 4 moments. I will probably be making faces… and I am hoping I get enough embarrassing family footage that I can put together a wonderful video to show at Christmas.

 

Disclaimer: I was selected to review Just Dance 4 by Clever Girls Collective because I am a UbiChamp. I was not compensated for this review. I was given the game to review. All opinions are my own and yes I am that much for a Just Dance freak.

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Then there was that time I dressed up as a SparkleCorn at BlogHer

by Leila on October 26, 2012

I like to write about events randomly and out of order.

My first time to BlogHer was in San Diego. My wingbitch, Mely and I had this super awesome Single Mom Date Night that ended at Sparklecorn.

What the crap does that mean??

Sparklecorn…

I asked Mely, “Are there going to be a bunch of people walking around with bedazzled corn on the cobs on their shirts?!”

To my surprise it actually had something to do with unicorns and not sparkly corn on the cob.

I was disappointed by this.

I joked that next year I would show up as a giant sparklecorn. An actual sparkly corn on the cob and I was going to get my dance on.

We laughed. She was drunk. I was too. She thought I was joking…

Then BlogHer in NYC was fast approaching. I was busy helping my dear friend and BlogHer roomie Anissa Mayhew plan the Aiming Low: Come As You Are party and was running out of time to make this Sparklecorn costume happen.

It had to happen.

I ordered it a couple weeks before the event. I dove in my insane craft collection and found every sparkly thingy I could. I wielding my hot glue gun and I got to work.

I actually finished it the night before I was leaving. My flight left at the booty buttcrack of dawn but I was up hotgluing sparkles to my fingers… I mean, to my corn.

I teased with a picture on Instagram asking if anyone could guess my costume…

A few of my friends responded immediately asking if I really made what I said I was going to last year.

As I was finishing up my masterpiece my Dad showed up… He was watching the kids while I was away… and he asked me what the hell I was making.

Me: A sparkly corn costume. It’s for a party called “Sparklecorn”… get it!?

Him: Is this the party you are helping plan?

Me: No… it’s another one at the conference. I really hope I don’t offend anyone…

Him: What kind of conference is this? “Watch Leila be a jackass conference”

Me: That doesn’t even make sense…

Him: Neither does your costume.

I love my Dad.

So, I went to BlogHer. I stuffed a giant sparklecorn costume in my suitcase. I added a tutu. Mely met up with me so she didn’t miss out on the “grand entrance” aka she wanted to make a silly video like this capturing my jackassery…

I danced with Chewbacca… No shit. I couldn’t have planned this better.

I really did it all for my Wookiee

 

I freaked out my friends. Like Neil and Issa. Neil said something about me looking terrifying.

 

The days and months following BlogHer I wasn’t “Don’t Speak Whinese”… I was the Sparklecorn chick who got her boogie on until the Unicorn party came to a close.

And I’ll be back next year… with more sparkles. 

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T-Ball, Obstacles and Twirling to Home

by Leila on October 26, 2012

When my friends asked me if I wanted to get my son in T-ball with their boys I was hesitant.

My son isn’t exactly the sporty type.

It’s also hard for us to commit to anything because my daughter’s chronic pain and health needs can flare up at anytime. We don’t like to be in the situation where her flare ups can cause someone to miss out.

That makes her feel terrible so I try to modify our lives so that we minimize those scenarios.

Something as simple as one person joining a team sport is a family decision. We all have to be supportive of this and figure out solutions. Both of the kids have food allergies so team snacks can be a hurdle. Thankfully, that was easy to deal with since a good friend of mine was the team Mom and her husband the coach and were happy to accomodate.

Life is full of all sorts of obstacles… big and small. It seems like an awful lot to consider with just T-Ball but we take commitments very seriously, have a few more obstacles than most do and… uh, I really don’t like commitments.

Every challenge is an opportunity in disguise…

One thing that I try to instill in my kids is to never make excuses and be resourceful.

My daughter made a “Practice and Game” bag where she filled it with a hat (sun aggravates her autoimmune issues), books, journals and a box full of oil pastels, colored pencils and pens. She also had extra snacks and a backup supply of her medicine.

On the days she wasn’t feeling well she planned to sit, relax and have some time to read or create. This was most days during that time.

Other challenges make you realize your kid is kind of crazy…

My son was excited. He was part of a team sport for the first time. For days before a practice he was amped. He would have conversations with himself before practices and games and decide he was going to be the best.

Then those games and practices rolled around…

He spent most of the time in the outfield making dirt angels or army crawling.

He would constantly ask if it was over yet.

He spent more time focusing on the trees, the birds in those trees, the clouds above the trees and birds whiled he obsessed over knocking on his cup.

He would ask other kids as they came near his base if they wore cups too.

He told jokes about his cup.

When he ran to home plate he twirled like a champ.

He just didn’t seem to want to be there and that was fine. Maybe it wasn’t his thing.

Then I broke my foot and had to rely on my friends to get him to and from all the practices and games for a few weeks. I apologized, assumed he was still in full cup obsession, twirly and is-it-over-yet mode. I almost pulled him because I was worried he was annoying everyone. 

I made the last couple practices and the final games when I could walk in a boot. Sure, he was still being his colorful self but something also changed. He was really going after the ball. He was trying hard. He was getting the game. He was beaming and proud of himself.

He told me after his last game that he wanted to make me proud and show me he was a good t-ball player. He also told me that he was sad when I wasn’t there so when I was able to come back I would see how hard he was working.

Later that day he ran around the house with his jock strap and cup over his face and said it was his new superhero mask.

He quickly realized how disgusting of an idea that was.

Disclosure: All opinions expressed are my own. I was compensated for this post.

Get a Kleenex custom oval BOGO until 11/15/12, just use the code PLAYOFFS at checkout on the MyKleenex site. I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective, and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

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#EcoDriven Adventure at Peju Winery: Grape Stomping and Gross Feet

by Leila on October 9, 2012

I felt that my time at Peju winery deserved a post of it’s own. Yes, it’s gorgeous, the wine is some of the best and the entire night was a once in a lifetime event…

However, this story is not just about the well known and amazing Peju winery but also about how much I dislike feet. Don’t get me wrong. I love Peju and plan on being back as much as possible… but this story is deeper.

Or at least laughable.

I really love wine but feet gross me out. The thought of grape stomping at Peju Winery gave me chills when I found out that was on the agenda. Naturally, that sounds like a ton of fun… but, so nasty.

I don’t do feet.

Dirty, slimy and stinky feet make me sick.

I avoided the doctor when I hurt my ninja kicker and couldn’t walk because I was worried I’d be put in a cast.

I used to get so ill from stepping on slimy things that it would make me throw up in my mouth.

I didn’t drink wine for a long time because I associated it with feet thanks to that hilarious I Love Lucy scene.

Yes, I have issues. I know this. Let’s move on…

But, I’m not the type to let anything stand in my way or hold me back. Grape stomping at Peju Winery it is!

After we had a day of inspiration, yoga with Yogitoes, test driving a Prius V on the way to my Aveda makeover at Sala Salon I was ready to eat, drink and… uh, grape stomp.

Peju Winery is one of the most beautiful wineries I have ever experienced. The staff was friendly, informative and entertaining. The scenery was something out of a movie. The wine? Amazing. Try the Fifty/Fifty! We toured the facility of Peju winery, drank glasses of deliciousness, paired it with little bits of nom-a-licious and drank some more.

Then we were invited out to the vineyard where we paired up and prepared to get our grape stomping on.

I’m not always texting, instagramming and tweeting…

Chelsey from The Paper Mama and I teamed up. We were super pumped. We wanted to win. We were going to do this… Caryn from Rockin Mama and Romy from Romy Raves were our competition…

Competition? Look at what they were wearing! (I adore them btw)

 

Unfortunately, two tall chicks in a tiny barrel who aren’t skilled at clearing the bunghole didn’t get the exact victory they wanted. We had a blast, we had style, we were bent over in front of a bunch of people stomping until we were panting.

It was amazing.

Here is where I admit something that I didn’t want to when I was at Peju winery… after I got my stomp on… I started feeling sick. The feeling of slimy grapes on my feet swept over me. I had to wash my feet. I had to stop thinking about it.

I practically ran to the bathroom which seemed like miles away…

And I threw up when I got there. Yup. It wasn’t pretty.

I wisped, laughed at myself and texted a couple close friends about it so they could mock me endlessly…

That last part wasn’t well thought out.

I went back to see the final round where team “Elephant Toes” with Waylon of Elephant Journal and Alex of Yogitoes stomped their way to victory and everyone at Peju winery cheered.

The night ended with us dining in the vineyard. Despite Chelsey and I not making it to the final round… and that whole puking part… I felt like I was victorious. It was a day of adventure, new and old friends and memories that will last a lifetime.

It was getting late so I stepped away from the table as dinner was ending to say goodnight to my kids. They were upset, crying and missing me. The mommy guilt swept over me and I felt terrible that I had so much fun while they were sad.

I made them laugh when I told them about Mommy’s grape stomp-puking adventure. They enjoy laughing at me… aren’t kids sweet?! Just as I was about to hang up with them I heard something swoosh by my head. I looked around and realized how dark it was. I was kind of far from the tables where the lights were.

The swoosh came back. WTF?!

My kids realized I was quiet and just as they started to ask what was wrong I blurted out, “Okay, kids… I love you… Mommy, needs to go… a bat almost hit me in the face!”

They laughed at me! My ten year old daughter told me that I must be seeing things after my grape stomp trauma. They hung up the phone happy and mocking me.

The way it should be… I guess.

And that is the time I went to Peju winery, stomped grapes, lost my lunch and bats attacked swooshed me. It was truly one of the best days ever.

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Is kindergarten making my son smart or a smart aleck?

by Leila on September 15, 2012

My son is very determined to know everything before kindergarten is over. That reminds me of myself as I am always kidding around about how my mission in life is to know everything.

I’m almost there as far as my kids know.

Each day my son comes home from school really excited to tell me what he has learned. He was all about numbers yesterday. His enthusiasm was adorable and he was so proud of himself for getting rewarded for knowing how to write one of the numbers.

He also told me that he can write all the numbers. All of them.

He had his index cards and he was demonstrating his skills.

I would say a number and he would write it. He would do a dance in between his accomplishments.

I then asked him to write “One to ten” since he says he can write them all.

This is what he came up with:

Yup. He is an adorable smart ass and I feel for his kindergarten teacher.

 

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My Aunt Said: Remember When You Were a Teen and Drove Me to Vegas for the Night

by Leila on April 14, 2012

Post image for My Aunt Said: Remember When You Were a Teen and Drove Me to Vegas for the Night

I truly love my family and all our silliness and diversity. My family from Japan is here visiting for my Grandpa’s 88th birthday party we were taking a trip down memory lane… that is always interesting. I’ve heard for most of my life how gutsy I am and that some admire how fearless I can be but it’s never been something I see in myself. I’m just me.

I just think I’m a jackass who doesn’t truly understand limitations. If it seems plausible I am going to tackle the shit out of it, have fun and make the most of it! Laughter is usually the key in all things that drive me.

My Aunt wanted to know what the world looked like from my perspective. This pretty much sums us up.

My family likes to talk about these ballsy moments in my youth that I will probably face with my own kids. My aunt said to me, “Do you remember that time when you were sixteen and we took off to Vegas for the night?”

I laughed, “My Dad was SO pissed at me! Still is, actually. Let’s remind him tomorrow about that trip so you can see his face.”

When I was sixteen my aunt and cousin from Japan came to visit. My cousin was enrolling in a golf summer camp out here and she was staying for a short trip to get him settled. Unfortunately, a family emergency was cutting her trip short and she had to leave for Tokyo the day after enrollment.

I was driving them everywhere, being a good hostess and making the most of the trip. My aunt was really sad for many reasons and had guilt that she really wanted to stay because she just wanted to go to Vegas.

Let me lay this out for you:

It was about 2pm after my cousin was enrolled. We were almost two hours south of my home.

Vegas from my home was 4 hours.

I was sixteen.

Vegas from where we were was probably more like 6 hours.

I had my license for less than a month.

She had to be on an international flight at 9am the next day.

My Dad was a Cop… he had guns.

We happened to be on the 15 which is the same highway that you take to get to Vegas.

My fearless love for adventures and road trips was born that day.

I very seriously said to her, “We could always just end up in Vegas and tell my Dad that we got lost! You can gamble for a few hours, I’ll find a diner with friends and drink a lot of coffee.” My grin was apparently infectious because she lit up right back at me.

She did the math and started to feel like it was impossible. We both were more concerned that my Dad was going to be pissed so I think we had an agreement to not answer his calls. Because, that makes it SO much better when we finally have to face him after he has probably thought we died somewhere. Details.

This is one of those moments where I remind my Dad that I truly am the best daughter ever and he loves me because I am a princess. Actually, my brother is more like the princess because he is a wuss compared to me. I think this is exactly why my Dad doesn’t read my blogs. Uh, and my brother as well.

So, needless to say we went. We had a great time. She broke even. I saw my friends who didn’t seem at all shocked that I came up with this plan. I almost hit a coyote on the way back. We got lost. Got home thirty minutes before she needed to head to LAX and my Dad was so furious he couldn’t even speak to us.

I heard about it for months after she left. I guess saying, “But, DAD I already drove to Vegas so why can’t I go on this road trip?” wasn’t a good idea because we ended up in a fight each time.

Now with a sixteen year old niece and thinking of my kids at that age I’m really wondering if I was a little insane then. I often feel for my Dad and what I put him through…

However, when that story comes up fondly from my aunt as a huge defining moment for her seeing my strength, independence, insanity and ability to tackle the impossible it kind of makes me proud. My family is full of these daring and often crazy stories. It’s in our blood.

Though, if my kids pull that shit I will probably lose my mind. Mostly because they didn’t bring me on an adventure like that.

Disclosure: I am a member of the Toyota Women Influencer Network aka TWIN. I was not compensated for this post or participation in the program.

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Mommy: The Destroyer of Dreams and Purger of Your Precious Crap

by Leila on February 7, 2012

Post image for Mommy: The Destroyer of Dreams and Purger of Your Precious Crap

Children come with too many freaking accessories.

Babies have so many clothes that most don’t even get worn before the little spawns outgrow them.

Toddlers require a lot of gadgets to entertain/enrich/appease them. They also come with more safety gear to protect them and us since they are like mini Godzillas with a mean temper tantrum.

Then enter the world of books, crafts, puzzles, dress up clothes, games and all things that help a developing preschoolers mind.

Beyond that age they begin to voice real opinions on what they like and what they don’t.

I’m pretty sure my kids are hoarders and I also blame my Dad for this. I tend to blame him for everything because A) It’s usually applicable and B) That’s what he gets for not reading my blog. He holds on to a lot of sentimental things that he just can’t part with. I get that. I do it as well on a mild scale… don’t even begin to inquire on all the craft supplies I have!

My kids hold on to everything. EVERYTHING. They don’t even like to throw away packaging. This past month my back has been all sorts of messed up so the house has started to look like Toys R Us vomited all over the place. It makes me absolutely insane that I can’t accomplish everything that I want to but I’ve been limited.

It sucks big ones.

So I gave the kids warnings. Many many warnings. I told them as soon as my back was better and I could bend and lift again that I would be purging if they didn’t get it under control.

That day was today.

My back is still messed up however I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I’m three bags in to the purging process and it feels good. The kids are upset of course. They make their cases. They plead. They cry. I do feel bad but c’mon… kids have WAY too much crap! I always worry if these moments are going to upset or hurt them. I wonder how much damage I am doing. I know what needs to be done though.

Most of the toys are getting donated to a women’s shelter and the broken toys get sent off to the dump. Yup. To that black hole of unwanted and unloved toys.

My son even had the nerve to bring up Toy Story 3 when I tossed out a broken Buzz Lightyear. You know what scene I am talking about. With tears in his eyes I said “I am the destroyer of dreams! TO THE DUMP!”…

I was genuinely trying to be evil but he laughed at me. Then he spent ten minutes picking up toys yelling “TO THE DUMP!”. We laughed… and made games out of picking up and purging and that Mommy guilt was gone.

For now it seems to not be life shattering… until there is another moment where I put on my evil cape and become Mommy the Destroyer of Dreams again. Until then… it’s nice to see the damn floor again.

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