My now 8 year old daughter has always had a resistance or strange defiance to flushing the toilet. We tend to make a lot of poop, pee and fart jokes in this house so “dropping bathroom bombs” and all toilet humor is usually well received. However, a few years ago it wasn’t so funny when her clogging the toilet caused me to bleach my arm, replace a door knob, test the absorbency of breast milk pads and feel like I was in an episode of a very HBO type of Dick Van Dyke show.
We had just come in from gardening so I was changing out of my clothes when I noticed that my daughter had not flushed. The second I pushed that silver handle down I realized she had flushed it but it was just really effin clogged!
Naturally I just jiggled the handle. Nothing.
Water continued to rise.
My sweet son was starting to crawl towards the bathroom door but I was so worried the water was about to overflow that I asked my daughter to watch him while I fixed the toilet. As I closed the door she asked, “Did you drop a bathroom bomb in there, Mommy!?”
Ha. No, kid, you did!
The toilet started to overflow so I yelled, tossed the two towels I had on the rack down on the floor. Nope, that was not enough because the poo-water was coming out ANGRY! I thankfully had a bunch of clothes from showers that morning and the night before left on the floor… woo hoo for being sick and lazy!
When I lifted the lid of the toilet I had to face the harsh reality of my situation. Floating poop and lots of it. That is when I remembered that the plunger was in the other bathroom! SHIT! (haha)
This is where one of my flaws totally screwed me up even further because I tend to get all yanky, slammy and agro when I get upset. When I turned to open the door I ripped the damn door knob off. Yup. Right the fuck off! Then I heard my daughter approach the door “Mommy are you…” and then… Clink. Bang. Ugh. The other side came off as well.
All I could think about was if the water reached the doorway that my ten month old son would be splashing in gross poo water! So I did what any sane person would do… I stripped butt naked, tossed the clothes down and even strategically placed my breast milk pads at the front of the towel-clothes-fortress.
Yes, I realize that those things don’t soak up much but I was in serious butt ass naked panic mode!
No door knob and nowhere to go.
Concerned kids on the other side.
Poo water flowing towards me and on the floor…
No more breast milk pads!!!!
There was only one thing left to do…
I faced that bitch ass toilet, thrust my hand in there, found the clog, ripped it out, screamed my head off during the entire process as if I was getting eaten alive by wild monkeys and I released the clog. TAKE THAT POO CLOG! Who’s the Queen of the Porcelain Throne HUH?! The water started to drain and I could rejoice.
At that moment I felt like I knew what it was like to win the world cup! To score the winning touchdown in the Superbowl! To be the nerdy dude in high school finally scoring the hot chick he obsessed over. I beat that poo!
So I seriously did a little victory dance. It felt good. Until I realized that poo water + slippery tile + clumsy ass me + oh did I mention POO WATER = me falling on my naked ass.
That was the day my kids learned about the courtesy flush rules. We started keeping plungers in every bathroom after that. I also learned that if you use bleach to scrub your hand and arm it will cause the dark hairs to turn a nice shade of blonde.